Dracula Untold

Dracula Untold ★★

My stepfather took a fall last Friday and then promptly died a week ago today...

He was old, he had recently given up in his battle with cancer, and the fight had taken its toll, so it wasn't terribly surprising.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't need condolences.

I'm just trying to set the scene as to why I watched this movie now when there are so many others that I've fallen behind on.

You see, my stepbrother, whom I hadn't seen in 30+ years, flew in with his wife, and my mom...

Then throughout the week, various other family members descended upon the house.

Each one bringing their own unique taste in entertainment.

Some wanted to play dice, and others were content watching T.V. but my stepbrother?

Well, he brought a taste in movies so odd that it made me laugh every time he suggested something.

The first night he suggested we watch Top Gun: Maverick...even though everyone present had seen it already.

The next was At Close Range.

An obscure Sean Penn/Christopher Walken mash-up that came outta left field like a three-legged dog wearing a beer helmet.

I honestly would have loved to watch that one, but that proposition died in the air.

Then there was Grease, that new Gru movie and The Immortals.

It was bizarre.

But everyday he mentioned Dracula Untold.

That's right... The first dubious entry in Universal's failed revival of their classic monster movies.

Many think that it was Tom Cruise who tanked this franchise with The Mummy – and these people aren't wrong– but they didn't really come out swinging to begin with...

Way back in 2012/2013, somewhere deep in the anal cavity of Los Angeles, some greasy pig fucker at Universal thought it would be financially advantageous to have their own interconnected franchise like Disney.

Unfortunately, they also thought it would be a good idea to have these horror movies actually be action movies...

Further proving that Hollywood has been intellectually bankrupt, risk-averse to a fault, and filled with people who actively hate movies for decades now.

Sure, Vlad the Impaler might be mine and Romania's hero, but the guy was more than a little depraved and regularly shoved large poles up the backend of friend and foe alike.

Not someone normies typically would root for, and almost certainly didn't look like Luke Evans.

So what did Universal do?

They hired Luke Evans and gave him a sugar-coated back story so saccharine that you could almost smell the syrup dripping from the anuses of the impaled.

Boy howdy!

That Vlad was a good guy... A little misunderstood, but sure loved god, family, and country.


Yes, Dracula is supposed to be a tragic character, but again Hollywood shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the source material.

Shit... They show a fundamental misunderstanding of their own fucking movie catalog with these 'Dark Universe' flicks.

These are horror movies.

And if Universal weren't trying to make all the money at once, they would have made the 'Dark Universe' a horror franchise.

Yes, their pocketbook would take a hit, but they would also have created something bold...something the fans would have appreciated.

What they didn't make in revenue on opening week would have been paid back in audience goodwill.

But they didn't do that... Instead, they tried to make Marvel movies starring monsters.

So now these movies are universally panned, and this franchise will continue to fail no matter how many Johnny Depps' or Ryan Goslings' they hire.

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