The Social Network ★★★★★

hi friends. today, october the 1st, 2020, is the ten year anniversary of the social network’s theatrical release. can you believe it! in its honor, i would like to share what each of the actors are up to now and how i would rate their career choices in the years since, because as we all know, this was the first and last piece of great american cinema. to spice it up, i’m doing this fully from memory. no imdb for me! if it was good or important, i would have heard about it. let’s begin:

jesse eisenberg immediately turned around and starred in the 2011 comedy 30 minutes or less, and then i think there was a zombieland sequel. somewhere in there were two now you see me films, two rio films, and in each of them he played a version of the zuckerberg character. nice try! 6/10

andrew garfield tried in each subsequent role to recapture the drama he displayed in this film. he succeeded in 2018 when he said “well, smell you, nancy drew!” in angels in america on broadway. he was spiderman for a while but got kicked out for being old and gay. he was also in that movie with adam driver that i pretended to watch, and he guest judged on drag race. needless to say, he has the range. 9/10

justin timberlake was in bad teacher, which is pretty good. 4/10

armie hammer has made it clear that he needs a good director to give a good performance. he did trick us into thinking he was good in call me by your name until we all rewatched it in 2019, but i’ll give him props for those two fun years. he was in mirror mirror which i did not see and he was in nocturnal animals which i wish i did not see. 5/10

rooney mara charitably gave us thee performance of her career in 2011 with the girl with the dragon tattoo. amy pascal tried it, but simply couldn’t hold her down; she released banger after banger: her, a ghost story, ain’t them bodies saints, the one with the glove, and on top of that, she tamed joaquin phoenix. no notes! 10/10

max minghella is embracing his caucasian roots now! which is good. he was in that movie with dylan o’brien. 5/10

dakota johnson starred in the fifty shades trilogie, used that money to furnish the most beautiful home i’ve ever seen, then did suspiria like it was nothing. she is the coolest woman in the world and i get bangs every 2-4 years to look like her. she has the impact. she is the moment. quite simply, she don’t miss. 10/10

brenda song finished the suite life series which I think ended after this came out. she gave us That performance in secret obsession. i do find myself saying, “oh, come on brenda!” in an eric striffler voice and i will credit her for that. 7/10

joe mazzello gave us the unhinged chase crawford baseball movie and is fun on instagram! that’s all i need from him. 8/10

rashida jones should have received a special oscar for having to pretend to love both rob lowe and chris pratt on parks and recreation. she was in a tbs show which i did not watch but i love her so i hope she doesn’t see this. 7/10

josh pence was in something and i saw it. i don’t remember what it was but he was in a real movie and i saw it and i said hey its josh pence. 5/10 but he deserves better

doug urbanski i wanna believe just retired and lives in a villa somewhere. i really wish the best for this man and i would like to be penpals with him. 8/10

malese jow: Hey Queen! Girl, You have done it again, constantly raising the bar for us all, and doing it flawlessly. I'd say I'm surprised but I know who you are. I've seen it up close and personal.

caleb landry jones got thrown from a window and was in x-men. this is the one i thought would be easy. i know he was in other movies! i’ve seen em! on pure faith alone i will give him an 8/10 because he is the fun fact cameo in this film meaning he is now a wild success i am sure of it

aaron sorkin gave us three seasons of the messiest show of all time and for that i will always be grateful but he still doesn’t know how to write women. if it’s because they don’t talk to you aaron you can always reach out to me, my personal phone number is (323) 762-5458. call anytime! and i can explain to you why girls think your writing is offensive. overall 5/10 because to kill a mockingbird and moneyball balance each other out.

thanks for reading. i wanna close by saying if anyone knows how i can get in touch with david fincher i wanna send him an edible arrangement because i know he’ll send it back so i’ll get both noticed by david fincher and also an edible arrangement. until that day comes i’ll see you all tomorrow when i watch this again. happy ten years to the punks, prophets, geniuses, billionaires, and traitors!

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