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  • Call Me by Your Name

    Call Me by Your Name

    ★★★★★

    ideas for a sequel!!!!!!!!!!

    1. wait 10 years and then get the original cast back together like Before Sunset. let them age naturally. wait til we crave a sequel so much we have given up entirely

    2. don’t do it

  • Us

    Us

    ★★★★½

    ...so red jumpsuits are officially OUT for spring 2019! h&m stock bout to PLUMMET!

  • Blockers

    Blockers

    ★★★½

    im gonna shove his fedora so far up his ASS it’ll be a HAT

  • On the Waterfront

    On the Waterfront

    ★★★½

    what’s up mother fuckers it’s your boy marlon b. rando here back at it AGAIN with another role as a broody man who yells but guess what bitches this time i got a fucken EYEBROW SLITTT that’s right im bout to be the most emo dude in an oscar bait movie since that kid from boyhood lets FUCKING do this

  • The Social Network

    The Social Network

    ★★★★★

    when i was in high school i didn’t have any friends yet and wanted to look cool so i found really obscure photos of young andrew garfield and told people that he was my hot exotic boyfriend who lived in england. his fake name was Charlie. Now none of that’s true but it does sound like something I would do doesn’t it

  • The Great Train Robbery

    The Great Train Robbery

    ★★★★

    i am just FASCINATED by each and every one of those 20th century theatre actors who had to awkwardly transition into acting on camera......every silent film features some helpless fucker doing the absolute MOST with their props to try and appear as normal as possible like Mortimer sis you don’t need to play to the back row we can see you baby!! we can see you!!!!!

  • The Aftermath

    The Aftermath

    ★★★★★

    list of things alexander skarsgard did in this movie that i felt DIRECTLY in my loins:

    • speaks a foreign language
    • wears glasses
    • snowball fight with keira knightley
    • sucks her tittie
    • chops wood
    • wears many sweaters
    • talks to himself in a mirror
    • gives consoling hugs
    • is 6’4

  • The Aftermath

    The Aftermath

    ★★★★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    a post-ww2 romantic drama starring the most beautiful woman in the world and the skarsgard brother we ALL can agree is hot, miss knightley wears her finest shiny gown since atonement and they FUCK on a table DID U THINK THIS WASNT GETTING FIVE STARS FROM ME??????? DID U THINK THAT

  • Strangers on a Train

    Strangers on a Train

    ★★★★½

    i think the worst part of getting murdered in the 1950s is that your killer would most certainly be some whiteman in a fedora

  • Steve Jobs

    Steve Jobs

    ★★★★½

    goddamn! what a great example for how biopics should be made. it doesn’t even feel like one! why? because it focuses in on a specific moment in time which sets it apart from the awful formula that so many fall into:

    1. roll footage of main character as child
    2. jump to early adulthood
    3. success! failure. success! failure. 
    4. big success!
    5. big failure
    6. rise back up to the top
    7. final moments of glory fade into pictures…

  • Chungking Express

    Chungking Express

    ★★★★½

    to the girl sitting in front of me stroking her boyfriend’s neck the entire time: this movie is not for you! this is a lonely hearts ONLY event go HOME

  • Inglourious Basterds

    Inglourious Basterds

    ★★★★★

    you can tell that quentin tarantino would just loooooove to be murdered. his cameo in this movie is “dead guy getting scalp sliced off”. he gets killed like right away in reservoir dogs. in django unchained he quite literally explodes! what if one day the mf just dies in his sleep we’d all be like :/