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  • Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

    Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

    ★★★

    at one point percy called annabeth “annie” and I almost started crying so that’s where i am. on this Monday night. hearts are full tonight lads

  • Vice

    Vice

    ★★★

    for the rest of awards season when people talk about this movie im gonna pretend they’re saying WEISZ and this is an ensemble film honoring our finest working actress

  • Assassination Nation

    Assassination Nation

    ★★

    i get a lot of shit on here for not posting "serious reviews" but what you guys don't understand is that im being deadly serious when i say i wanna suck bill skarsgard's toes

  • A Star Is Born

    A Star Is Born

    ★★★★½

    i don’t know what it is about the dolby theater but i walked in thinking “this movie really is 2+ hours huh” and the first thing i said on the way out was “i will not be mad if bradley cooper wins best director”. it’s worth watching amc jerk itself off for a good 3 minutes beforehand telling you the screen is like marginally more colorful. miss gaga and sam elliott crying together in maximum HD.....gonna go journal about this

  • Support the Girls

    Support the Girls

    ★★★★

    i’ve never met haley lu richardson but she’s the most important person in the world to me i would step in front of a bullet for her and i need her to know that

  • The Old Man & the Gun

    The Old Man & the Gun

    ★★★★½

    hello? mr. criterion? i have a new suggestion

  • Into the Woods

    Into the Woods

    ★★★

    the following is a leaked email from IntoTheWoodsProducer1@disney.com to IntoTheWoodsProducer2@disney.com, recovered in the Sony hack:

    MOVIE MUSICAL CHECKLIST, or: HOW TO DIRECTLY PIGGYBACK ON THE SUCCESS OF THE LES MIS MOVIE

    ✅ adapt an old ass musical that works better onstage

    ✅ swap out practical effects for insanely obvious CGI

    ✅ hire maximum 2 actors with actual experience on broadway
    [i hear chris pine has never even HEARD of into the woods! perfect!]

    ✅ speaking of which, get that child…

  • The Upside

    The Upside

    ★★★½

    kevin hart thinks that yelling while short makes him a valuable member of the comedy scene when we’ve had nathan lane this whole time

  • Game Night

    Game Night

    ★★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    "the winner of game night wins the keys to my car."
    "just the keys?"

    billy magnussen's comedic timing in this movie is seriously something else. when he slides $17 across the table? when irish connie britton bites his finger? the look on his face during the mansion fight club scene? best supporting actor campaign begins today. fuckin unparallelled dude

  • Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

    Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

    ★★★★★

    yeah I know you guys just cast three new boys and I’ll look at them in like 2 minutes I just need to calculate the age difference between me and stellan skarsgard one more time. I think I can make this work

  • I Feel Pretty

    I Feel Pretty

    ★★½

    this is gonna sound controversial but our collective hatred of amy schumer is pretty representative of our misogynistic tendency to hate successful white women in the media, especially in the film industry and lol just kidding can you imagine

  • If Beale Street Could Talk

    If Beale Street Could Talk

    ★★★★★

    almost unfair how beautiful it is. and brian tyree henry always makes me very happy. i think we can all take comfort knowing the hfpa and the academy are made up of different voters