An Open Letter to Ryan Gosling,

Hey Bro.

So, first off, I'd just like to say that I really enjoyed your performance in this film. Had a real satisfying 'postmodern man with no name' kinda vibe to it. Nice one. Not so much with the Gangster Squad thing. I guess that was probably one of those projects that looked better on paper, huh? Hey, you win some, you lose some. I haven't seen The Place Beyond The Pines yet, but I'm pretty sure I'll like that one, too. You sure have come a long way since that bizarre tv show about the highschool on a cruise ship. Never really got into that one, but a jobs a job, right?

Anyway. I'm just writing to ask you for a bit of a favour. Y'know, from one southern ontario guy to another. Don't worry, it's nothing crazy like wanting you to mail me some dirty undies or whatever. I'd just be asking you to, y'know, maybe tone it down a little?

I mean, the sensitive yet macho movie roles are one thing, and it's not like you can turn back the clock on being a movie star... But the whole adorable burly feminist thing? The multiple charitable causes? The band shit? C'mon, man. The rest of us are out here trying to do our thing and you're fuckin' up our program with the ladies.

So yeah, that's about it. Ryan Gosling, if you could please stop fuckin' up our program with the ladies by being all Ryan Gosling; the rest of us dudes would really appreciate it. You seem like a decent cat, so I hope you can find it in your Ryan Gosling puppy-loving heart to do us this solid.

Seriously Bro. Just tone it down a bit.

Sincerely,

AHAB.

P.S. - If you DO want to send me some dirty undies, I'd actually really appreciate it. I could Ebay that shit for a goddamned fortune and it'd totally pay for this sweet Triumph motorcycle I've been lookin' at.