• Firestarter

    Firestarter

    ½

    Wowee, and I thought REKINDLED was bad. Hard to imagine anything more redundant than this insipid cashgrab. No world building, no atmosphere, no pace, no art. Yes it has a Carpenter score, but so did Ghosts Of Mars. Until now Poltergeist 2015 was my low bar for horror remakes; well hot dog, we have a new wiener on our hands here. And I guess we still can’t do CGI fire.

  • Tripwire

    Tripwire

    ★★½

    Terence Knox is like somebody took the worst parts of Jeff Speakman and Daniel Baldwin and rolled them into one doughy dad package. Possibly the least convincing action lead I’ve ever seen, but I do have some respect for him for being in Children Of The Corn 2. This is pretty drab but it isn’t complete shit thanks to the great supporting cast of cheque-cashers. I can confirm for thirsty types that young Viggo M does make a brief appearance. Me, I’m a David Warner man, and he gets a satisfactory amount of screen time. Yaphet Kotto was not meant to play characters named “Lee”.

  • Storm Catcher

    Storm Catcher

    ★★

    Pretty awful, but I will say that if every movie ended with Dolph looking directly into camera and winking - whether he’s in the cast list or not - then the world would be a much brighter place

  • Miracle Valley

    Miracle Valley

    Ti West wishes he could. In short, this is 2022’s Verotika. Essential dank viewing if you’re a dirty little piggy like me

  • Beauty and the Beast

    Beauty and the Beast

    ★★★½

    Best part is seeing Klaus Kinski’s name in that font on the poster

  • Hellblazers

    Hellblazers

    ★½

    How many more times am I gonna have to see Adrienne Barbeau play a radio dj/cb operator/ham radio enthusiast? Every scene in this feels like it’s moving at half speed. Bruce Dern’s presence is… troubling.

  • Dangerous Touch

    Dangerous Touch

    ★★★

    “Why am I not surprised?”
    “Yes, I’m full of surprises”

    ?

    Lou Diamond Philly directs this movie where he gets to do sex with Kate Vernon multiple times. He also gives himself a steamy solo shower scene where we’re treated to the image of him lathering up his ballsack. The dialogue is ludicrous and everyone acts insane, but that’s what you want from this kind of erotic* dogshit. Wishmaster Andrew Divoff even shows up for a minute to scowl at everyone. Pretty good!

    *not even remotely erotic

  • Defenseless

    Defenseless

    ★★★½

    Barbara Hershey’s character is named THELMA ‘T.K.’ KNUDSEN KATWULLER. As if that weren’t outlandish enough, this movie initially tries to convince us that J.T. Walsh is a good guy. Hysterical glossy trash at its hair-brained finest and the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. Gimme gimme gimme gimme Blu treatment

  • Ed McBain's 87th Precinct: Lightning

    Ed McBain's 87th Precinct: Lightning

    ★★★

    The first of three TV movies based on Ed McBain’s 87th Precinct series. The only McBains I care about are Rainier Wolfcastle and Christopher Walken, so I have no familiarity with the source material, but most online reviews seem to be from very angry people who are cranky that these movies don’t measure up to the books. 

    I love Randy Quaid but he really doesn’t sell the lone-wolf cop thing - when he scowls and says “we’ve got a real…

  • Terminal Island

    Terminal Island

    ★★½

    In terms of production value this is a step above the average Corman cheapie, but it doesn’t quite cut it. Ena Hartman doesn’t have the charisma to fill her role - you put Pam Grier or Tamara Dobson in there and this movie improves immeasurably. Sean Kenney, as lead bad guy Bobby, absolutely stinks and it’s ridiculous that anyone would be intimidated by this dweeb. It’s all a bit flaccid in spite of the obvious exploitative potential. On the plus…

  • Big

    Big

    ★★★★½

    I like to imagine this movie if the Tom Hanks role was played by any of the below:

    - George C Scott
    - Henry Silva
    - Udo Kier
    - Burt Young
    - Billy Drago
    - Robert Blake
    - Charles Bronson (“I wish I was big.. oy”)
    - Dennis Hopper (Apocalypse Now era)
    - and come to think of it, Robert Loggia

  • Come to Daddy

    Come to Daddy

    ★★★★

    Enjoyed this first time around, but couldn’t help feeling that it was half of one movie grafted onto half of another movie. On a rewatch, knowing where it goes, I was able to enjoy it more on its own terms. Also a few feelings stirred this time around, this shit creeps up on you?? Smiley is unstoppable as always. Only lasting complaint is that I want more of those early scenes, but that’s because Stephen McHattie is a treasure. Underappreciated.