This is not a review about Imaginur, instead this is how it made me feel. It's an open letter for myself, deeply personal. Writing this down before I forget.

I've always suffered from bad memory, it traced me way back from school. A lot of times when I put something somewhere and for a minute i walked to another place, very near, and i came back not knowing where i put it. Sometimes when people told me things, i remember only a fraction of it. It has resulted into numerous fights with people I love, it became a huge deal to them because certain things are very meaningful, but i really just don't remember.

It worsened as time goes by because I started to realize how much memories I've lost of people and how I reach a certain place. When I meet some friends from high school and talked about the past, I only remember small parts of them. They would tell me what I did, how it was a huge thing, I did this and that, and I truly don't remember. Sometimes i'm reminded of faces that i used to know, but i don't remember their names and the memories we had. It feels too close yet too far. From time to time I forget how I've reached a certain place. Sometimes in my mind I was still in the office, and I was shocked that I'm already at home. There were gapping in my memories that sometimes I question what's real and what's not.

"Kita lupa apa yang kita lupa. Kita tak tahu apa yang kita tak tahu."

It was hard to explain to people, and I've been holding it to myself, beating myself up when I forget things that means a lot to people, and seeing them getting all disappointed in memories we shared that means the world to them, it saddens me so much. And I don't even know how to make them understand.

Once, I gave it a long thought to myself. I think the only way for me to remember myself as I get older is by people's memories of me. Whether they're good or bad, their memories are all I could have left of myself. And it's really depressing. What if they're gone? Then what do I remember of my life and myself?

This film validated my pent up feelings in the ways that I could only say: like a warm hug, so tight that i long for.

I'm not officially diagnosed with Alzheimer or Dementia. I haven't went for a check up. But after watching this, perhaps I should. I know it's not severe even if i have it, but it's just, scary to know if you have it. Perhaps I don't want to know it, maybe knowing it would mean accepting that I'm set for life.

Halfway through the film, tears came crashing down my cheeks. It felt so close and personal, as if it was made for me and I needed to see it to validate what I feel. I cried until the end, and i continued crying while riding my bike on the way home. I slept with my puffy eyes and woke up today and cried another 4x (as of noon).

I've never cried this much for a film before.

I waited for this film since I was in high school, when Nik Amir first announced it way back then with a graphic poster. And it's definitely the most worth wait for a film ever in my life. Thank you Nik Amir, and Amir Jahari for the OST that got me listening on loop all night while i sleep with the tears.