• Fast & Furious

    Fast & Furious

    ★½

    How Vin Diesel see with borgar

  • Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

    Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

    ★½

    Only watched for the Lana del Rey cover of Season of the Witch and it only played during the credits after I watched a shitty cliched horror movie that jerked off to It (2017) too many times

  • Black Swan

    Black Swan

    ★★★★

    For me, this movie moves Natalie Portman to the "Starred in shitty young adult fiction franchisees but has since redeemed themselves" (the prequals count) tier of actors among Robert Pattinson and Andrew Garfield (I'll watch Mother! soon which will probably put Jennifer Lawrence in this tier too). Kristen Stewart will never. Fuck now I'm thinking about Twilight

  • Jacob's Ladder

    Jacob's Ladder

    ★★★

    Tim Allen cracks his neck so hard that he has Vietnam flashbacks

  • Aladdin

    Aladdin

    ★★★★

    wheres will smith

  • Forrest Gump

    Forrest Gump

    ★★½

    C'mon dude, we're going to throw rocks at the mentally challenged kid!

  • Batman Forever

    Batman Forever

    ★★

    Took my 8 year old to see this and he's suicidal now

  • Batman Returns

    Batman Returns

    ★★★½

    Took my 8 year old to see this movie and now the family cat's been dicked down so hard that it may as well have 3 legs. He also keeps strapping bombs on it and sending it at the juggalo parade that keeps standing outside our house ever since I started my anti clown crusade on 4chan. Great film, and I can't believe that it cured gender inequality.

  • The Fantastic Four

    The Fantastic Four

    My ideal cast for this movie:
    Mr. Fantastic: Miles Teller
    Invisible Woman: Kate Mara
    The Human Torch: Michael B. Jordan
    The Thing: Jamie Bell
    Director: Josh Trank

    Can't Wait!

  • The Nice Guys

    The Nice Guys

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I was prepared to give the movie 5 stars if they revealed the tape was just porn.

  • Carrie

    Carrie

    ★★★★

    When I saw John Travolta: "It's John Travolta"

  • Synecdoche, New York

    Synecdoche, New York

    ★★★★★

    The Perfect Movie?