Eternals ★½

Genuinely I think the greatest vindication of the movie theater experience is that seeing this in a theater made me think this movie was even a little bit watchable. The computer in my office disagrees. Of the two bearable characters, one leaves before the third act, and the other dies at the halfway point. Beyond that, nearly every single decision this movie makes is two full steps away from the right decision. The near-miss ratio in this thing is actually genuinely impressive in a "one of these allegedly likable characters runs a human slave cult in the rainforest, and the twist is that he's NOT the villain, you just gotta laugh" kinda way. Also props to this movie for reminding me that a movie not entirely shot on a blue screen can still be the visual equivalent of a budget Walgreens action figure whose face is printed about 15 degrees in the wrong direction. You know the ones I'm talking about. Watching this right now felt like I was being pranked, if pranks could somehow make you really really sad

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