There are some really fun camera movements in here, and occasionally the haunted house atmosphere shines as it did in Argento's, but it's almost definitely about 30 minutes too long, and it takes itself far too seriously up until the (goofy, wonderful) ending.

None of the political subplots really worked for me (if there's a theme here, I'm too dumb to understand it), and while I loved Tilda Swinton as Madame Blanc, she has more screentime in awful Mrs. Doubtfire makeup as a psychologist who misses his wife, who died in the Holocaust. Why is Tilda Swinton also playing a psychologist who misses his wife, who died in the Holocaust?

The original is a tense, effective, colorful, campy horror film that fumbles its exposition. Guadagnino's version is a plodding art film with a few brutal sequences of violence. Thom Yorke's score is less annoying than Goblin's—often it's actually pretty great, although sometimes it's laughably out of sync with what's happening onscreen. Dakota Johnson and Chloe Grace Moretz both feel miscast, but Mia Goth gives an unreal performance. The title sequences are pretty. I don't know.

Both movies are kind of a mess, despite the original's reputation as a classic. I think I preferred this one? Neither, however, managed to engage me during nor preoccupy me afterward the way my favorite horror movies have.

That initial teaser trailer was great, though, right?