Black Widow

Black Widow ★½

How to die FAST: take a drink every time someone says the word "Avenger" or has to otherwise remind you that this is tangentially related to other, better movies that you liked and because of that you're obligated to care about this one.
The only cool thing in this movie is the title sequence set to a Smells Like Teen Spirit cover. After that's over it's the most pedantic, predictable action-quip flick you can imagine with dull characters, forced emotional beats, laughable editing and choreography, and truly DOGWATER dialogue. Not to mention that it does the Solo thing where it refuses to just be a cool, inconsequential adventure with a legacy character, and instead feels the need to make EVERYTHING either a reference to or elaboration of something that Natasha has done or mentioned in a past MCU movie, and I mean EVERYTHING. And it's hilarious that the movie acts like it's smart for constantly critiquing that iconic split crouch pose from Iron Man 2, and then uses that pose in trailers showing Black Widow's history because they know that people unironically love it. What a joke.

So many people, myself included, have waited for a Black Widow movie after getting little hints of backstory dropped across different movies and different franchises for over 11 years. Movies like Atomic Blonde and Red Sparrow have come, been lauded as "the REAL Black Widow movie", and gone in the years people have waited for the REAL Black Widow movie to materialize.
Trust me when I say that this was the not the movie any of those people were wanting or waiting for.

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