Maniac ★★★★½

i am trying to be more open about my mental health, something i’ve spent the vast majority of my life feeling a prickly  shame for. i have a panic disorder that makes my physical body think it’s GOING TO DIE!!!!! every time i’m even a little nervous, even though my brain rationally knows there’s no perceived threat. my throat closes up. i can’t breathe. i take a xanax with a trembling hand. i call my mom and she talks me down until it kicks in. i am painfully aware that i am a 23 year old woman sitting and shaking on a city curb, paralyzed by irrational fear, whimpering on the phone to her mother. i am so so so scared of nothing and everything. i am convinced no one can ever love me, because why would they choose me when they could have their pick of girls whose brains can produce serotonin on their own? it’s a lonely way to live. 

Maniac slapped me in the face and told me, “of course you’re not alone in this loneliness, you idiot, wake up!!! it IS possible to find someone — be they platonic or otherwise — who understands the rotting deadweight in your chest because they carry a similarly shaped burden. they will help you breathe deeply as your body jettisons the blackened flotsam of fear and in return you will open their blinds when the comfortable darkness of their bedroom threatens to swallow them whole. though you will both still be sad and/or scared because of the chemical imbalances in your brains, you will be a bit less lonely, and hey, that’s better than nothing!”

then Maniac wrapped me tight in an electric blanket and told me, “i’m sorry for being so tough on you. everything is going to be okay, just wait.” and i whispered, “thank you.”