Mary Poppins Returns ★★½

list of movies i periodically wished i were watching instead: 

paddington 2 because of ben whishaw, julie walters, and a more stylish and more conniving villain with plenty more screentime AND played by colin firth’s best frenemy, hugh john mungo grant. god this movie wants to be paddington 2 so bad ... it makes me laugh!!! (you know what else makes me laugh? ben whishaw’s green cardigan. wallace & grommit lookin mf)

mamma mia! here we go again because of meryl streep, julie walters, and colin firth singing songs that are not instantly forgettable 

chicago because of the rob marshall-choreographed vaudevillian jazz numbers. the only time this movie truly shines is when mary poppins suddenly dons a bobbed wig, transforms into Pastelma Kelly, and performs “The Cover Is Not The Book” .... that scene lowkey maybe highkey slaps!!

ok lastly and completely off topic but *ethan hawke in first reformed voice* somebody has to [say] something! mary poppins returns metaphorically implies that every character will ascend into heaven except the one played by ... colin firth. ohohohoho i could NOT suspend my disbelief any longer. diving into bathtubs and discovering underwater worlds? sure! blue-skidooing into the paintings on a china bowl? why not! colin firth going to hell? NO WAY BUDDY