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brat has written 15 reviews for films rated ★★ during 2017.

  • Stronger

    Stronger

    ★★

    all 2 of these stars are for extending the Jake Gyllenhaal Crying in the Shower Cinematic Universe

  • The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    The Twilight Saga: New Moon

    ★★

    the only part of this jacob-centric movie that matters is the last 40 minutes when bella flies to italy to stop edward from taking off his shirt in front of everyone. this is a real plot point & it's absolutely incredible


    (also did we ever confirm that rob pattinson's abs were painted on for that scene? i truly don't mind if they were fake i just want to know the truth)

  • Chaplin

    Chaplin

    ★★

    ~plus one star for the random david duchovny cameo
    ~minus one star for the random james woods cameo. didn't he date a 19 year old when he was 60.........?

  • Spy Game

    Spy Game

    ★★

    brad pitt: it's not a fuckin game!
    robert redford: oh yes it is. that's exactly what it is. and it's no kid's game either. this is a whole other game. and it's serious and it's dangerous and it's not one you wanna lose.

    this is actual dialogue from spy game (2001). i highly recommend spy kids (2001) instead! ☺️

  • Life

    Life

    ★★

    if they had put half as much effort into developing a decent script as they did into making them float convincingly then this could've been maybe okay! but alas

  • X-Men: The Last Stand

    X-Men: The Last Stand

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    every time an x-man would die i'd just brush it off as Fake News, figuring that they'd come back at the end like jean grey does in x2. what a fool i was.

    - RIP cyclops you were wildly disrespected & underdeveloped </3 
    -RIP jean grey you were also disrespected but at least you had more than 2 scenes </3 
    -RIP professor x even though you're somehow miraculously back at it in the post-credits <3

    -also RIP mcsteamy you're in this for like a second & have only one line in the whole movie lol but you'll be missed </3

  • Logorama

    Logorama

    ★★

    this felt like it was written by three fight club fanboys who all think they're way deeper than they really are

    the fact that david fincher has a voice acting role as the Pringles Logo confirms my suspicions

  • Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

    Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    i didn't see the point in any of the scenes without colin farrell so when he downgraded into j*hnny d*pp near the end i literally ejected the dvd. i'll never know how this movie ends & i'm 100% fine with that

  • Song to Song

    Song to Song

    ★★

    me after watching the song to song trailer: ROONEY MICHAEL RYAN NATALIE & CATE CAN QUINTUPLE TEAM ME 😍😫💦 RYAN IN LA LA LAND = #OUT !! RYAN IN SONG TO SONG = #IN 👌🏽🙌🏽💯 THIS MOVIE WILL BE MY 💀CAUSE OF DEATH💀 
    me after actually watching song to song: ... well at least i was right about the quintuple teaming

  • Vamps

    Vamps

    ★★

    gael garcía bernal made a brief cameo as a singing cowboy & sigourney weaver played a vampire queen so WHATEVER I HAD FUN

  • Hotel Transylvania

    Hotel Transylvania

    ★★

    this is for sure adam sandler's best work

  • The Girl on the Train

    The Girl on the Train

    ★★

    me: hoe don't do it
    me: *points out every single slight similarity to gone girl (2014) nonstop throughout the entire movie*
    me: oh my god