Venom

Venom ★★★

To decision to put this out at an hour-fifty-ish was incredibly wise, because there's a world where they did a two-and-a-half-hour version with four extra subplots and a whole bunch of fake movie science monologues trying to explain shit that fuuuuuucking suuuuuuuucks.

As it is, this is only about ten minutes too long (sorry to be a trash pedant but a picture like this should not be a second longer than an hour forty-five), and it's in the Goldilocks Zone of stupid, which is a lot harder to pull off than one might lazily assume. Who am I to turn my nose up at a movie with rococo Tom Hardy accent work where every so often someone's head gets chomped? No such ingrate am I, no sir.

I could not begin to explain anything that happens in any coherent fashion. The Woody Harrelson thing at the end I'm sure is something that connects to the greater world of comics, and I'm willing to take the movie's word for it that it was important. It banked enough goodwill. Casting Riz Ahmed as a mad scientist/Silicon Valley doofus was a solid move, and helped matters greatly. Michelle Williams can doubtlessly afford to do as many Kelly Reichardt movies as she wants now, so that's a net win (definite casting overkill, though).

This thing's got Big Phineas Gage Energy, but somehow a PG-13? It's a little fucked up that this cost over a hundred million bucks to make---the bugfuck $10 million `1987 version would've been something behold---but whaddayagonnado.