Call Me by Your Name

Call Me by Your Name ★★★½

well lads. i finally did the darn thing. and may i just go ahead and say:

1st half of the film - viscerally uncomfortable, disliked it immensely, hardly able to sit through it
2nd half of the film - sobbing my guts out at 2 am on the balcony in the rain because i didn't want to wake up my roommate who had class at 8

i honestly don't know what to write about this. i'm not sure where my emotional reaction came from, if it was from the film or if it was from the intense memories that this film wrenched out of me.

when i cried i wasn't thinking about the film. i was thinking about myself. i was thinking about someone i'll probably never see again, someone who i loved on a time limit, someone who disappeared, then called back into my life. my someone who found someone else.

i think of it like this. there is a reason i avoid the Before trilogy. and that is because, once, i met someone on a train. and it took me just three days to love him. i lived it, i do not need to see it.

had i known, truly, well and truly, what this film would bring back to the surface for me, i would have left it in pandora's box. i would have. there are some things i don't want to think anymore. things i don't want to know.

elio's father talks about feeling nothing to save yourself pain. of cutting off your nose to spite your face. how long i reveled in feeling nothing!!! i wish i still could!!! but it is raining in this desert place where it never rains and it is sunny on his little island where it never shines and i am thinking about john and i do not want to. i don't. i thought he had wrung every last tear out of me.

last night the rain soaked into all the ash that was still coating our balcony. i watched it rehydrate and settle into the cracks of the tile outside. i wrote him a letter and didn't send it. i don't know if i will. i don't know if i can. i don't know if he'd answer. after all, he didn't for so long.

i don't know if i liked this film. i don't know if i can. it's not a quality judgement. it's a judgement of myself.

lastly, i want to sit in armie hammer's lap.

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