RSS feed for Carlo
  • Hell Night

    Hell Night

    ★★★

    For a movie that has a reputation for being pretty boring I've sure seen movies that were far more boring. Not to say that it isn't a little boring, you could easily cut 20 minutes of people walking around until they find a suspended dead body and not lose a thing. I don't think anyone NEEDS to check out Hell Night, but hey at this point? Why not.

  • Fatal Games

    Fatal Games

    Good poster.

  • Parasite

    Parasite

    ★★★★

    Another Bong Joon-home run.

  • The Sleeping Car

    The Sleeping Car

    David Naughton goes back to college and gets his socks off to some sexy saxomophone jamz. Right off the bat this has the most unnaturally sounding, obnoxiously try-hard, incessant "funny man" dialogue I've ever heard in my life so despite it only being 70 minutes long it was a challenge to get through this TRAINwreck of a fart of a movie. So if LIKE ME you're thinking "cool cover, could be a goof", don't say I didn't warn you. Somehow has the stink of Landis on it, though I can't tell you why.

  • Vampire's Kiss

    Vampire's Kiss

    ★★★★★

    Last night my girlfriend "4 Words Every Guy Wants 2 Hear"-ed me:
    "Let's watch Vampire's Kiss".

    I've seen some recent takes that talk about Nic Cage's batshit performance undermining what could be a pretty interesting movie, but I think it can easily be both or either depending on where you're coming from and how many times you've seen it. Don't get me wrong, the batshit doesn't wear off, it just becomes more of a comforting blanket guiding you as you…

  • Mausoleum

    Mausoleum

    ★★★

    It's not a spoiler to say that this movie ends exactly like this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4isBMEnAK4

  • Dark Angel: The Ascent

    Dark Angel: The Ascent

    ★★

    Dark Angel and McDreamy were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!

  • Spellcaster

    Spellcaster

    ★★★★

    Chuck Band opening his castle up to Rafal "Screwballs" Zielinski to make his love letter to House on Haunted Hill with fx by JC Buechler is 100% my kinda goof, and when the chair ate the girl with the fake French accent and then did a burp it sealed the deal!

  • Scared Stiff

    Scared Stiff

    ★★

    90% stodgy soap opera, 10% goofy kinda racist horror ends up being not much of anything at all. Really throws the whole concept of "curation" under the bus re: Arrow's blu-ray release. Who's looking at movies like these and going "yes, we should salvage this". More like "hey this is a cheap get so why not horror fans will buy anything with a spooky cover". What kind of kid has a favorite native American stereotype LAMP?

  • Dracula 2000

    Dracula 2000

    ★★

    This movie from 2000 called Dracula 2000 is so 2000 that you'll think it was funded by Virgin Megastore and/or Marilyn Manson? Gerard Butler plays Dracula revived in the year 2000, who at one point looks up at one of those giant screens mounted on the outside of a Virgin Megastore, witnessing a videoclip for a band called "Monster Magnet," and goes "Brilliant". This has no further bearing on the rest of the movie.

    Anyway, in a world where good and bad are nonexistent concepts, I recommend watching Dracula 3000 instead. Though what I REALLY recommend is another hobby.

  • Witchery

    Witchery

    ★★

    Has about two good elements: that recurring hallway synth jam, and Linda Blair's face. All the rest is standard snoozy Italian horror gobbledygook that thinks it's way scarier than it actually is. Features enough robotic performances to distract you from the fact David Hasselhoff is in it.

  • Toy Story 4

    Toy Story 4

    ★★★

    Didn't Pixar make a big deal of Toy Story 3 being the final one back when that came out? I mean, not that I really care about them LYING about such things, but I'm thinking it just doesn't have the same spark to it anymore. It's fun, and cute, and has moments that made me laugh, so I don't really know what I'm complaining about. It's fine! I just sometimes feel sad about the characters that get pushed to the background, which seems to be Toy Story's main currency these days: sadness about being obsolete.