All Quiet on the Western Front

All Quiet on the Western Front ★★★½

Netflix took Apple winnin’ that Bes’ Picture Oscar b’fore they did really fuckin’ personal, didn’ they? B’tween this’n The Good Nurse they’re onna fuckin’ rampage righ’ now. It’s so obvious it borders on fuckin’ obnoxious but I ain’t gonna be shitty ‘bout it coz we shout at ‘em when they put their name on bad films so makin’ fun’ve ‘em when they try an’ make GOOD ONES feels like fuckin’ Gaslightin’ mate. 

People’ve bin chattin’ things ‘bout this I ain’t all the way on-board with. Lot’ve it’s bin ‘bout how this’s better’n the firs’ one. Nobody’s bringin’ up the SECON’ ONE I’ve no’iced coz APPAREN’LY TV movies don’ count ‘less they do, but either way I don’ think thassa fair convo ta b’gin with, 1930’s as far away from now’s 2114 is, y’know? Yer doin’ Time Trav’ler R’views Boss, ya may’s well be contrastin’ cave drawin’s t’Pixar while yer down there. Other thing’s ‘bout how it’s jus’ anuther War Bad flick, an’ like THAT ONE I’ve got sum time fer. Not t’say I ain’t int’a that message, I AIN’T gonna hang me hat on bein’ the War Good Act’uly Guy, but I geddit, this’s wot War Movies look like if ya ain’t really that into ‘em, they sort’ve run t’gether. I DO think holdin’ that a’ginst the film’s cheeky tho coz thass like the def’nition of a fuckin’ You Thing. 

I dunno man, I’ve hadda really hard time writin’ this one, like much harder’n normal an’ I couldn’ figure out why. I THINK wot it is is I think this’s fuckin’ marv’lous, like really I proper fuckin’ do, but at the same time, sumthin’ didn’ gel all the way with it fer me, an’ I’ve bin strugglin’ with sayin’ wot. I mean when I say this’s fuckin’ fantastic I mean it. It looks gorg’us, the actin’ seems like it’s brill, good scrip’. There’s sum outstandin’ vis’ul storytellin’ goin’ on, like when Paul’s inna ditch with sum dyin’ bloke losin’ it, half ‘is face’s covered with dryin’ mud annit makes that part not look human, like it looks more lizardy’n like a bloke, an’ then later when he’s gone fully Fog’ve War his whole face’s got it now as if t’make sure we know The Monster fuckin’ won. It’s good stuff, annit only means anythin’ if ya wannit to, if not man jus’ needs a fuckin’ bath. 

I think MOS’VE the changes work well too. I like the way Kat dies in this more’n in the orig’nal, it’s way more fuckin’ tragic cozzit takes away the good thing Paul though’ he woz doin’ AN’ loads ‘im full’ve guilt fer it. The cuts t’the ceasefire bein’ hammered out, I know they take sum people out’ve it but I liked wot it woz sayin’, this’s gettin’ made when we’ve got the hindsigh’ the book an’ firs’ film didn’, “This Ain’t Over” is all fuckin’ over all the arse’oles who wanned t’keep this shitshow goin’ an’ showin’ thassa good call I reckon. I don’ even hate the new way Paul dies. I think he dies better in 1930 cozzit’s lit’ral emotional fuckin’ damage but it makes sense given ev’rythin’ annit’s STILL sad. 

The two things they do diff’ren’ that I THINK pulls this down from a four, MAYBE EVEN a fuckin’ four-plus’s I think havin’ the lads join near the end’ve the war ‘stead’ve righ’ at the b’ginnin’ don’t work as well. 1930 ain’t that great at gettin’ ‘cross time passin’ but y’still get the feelin’ these lads’ve bin rode hard an’ put away wet by the end’ve it, whereas here they’re jus’ instan’ly broken. They do ONE int’restin’ thing with it where Paul’s lookin’ at a dead body all sad annit feels like the end’ve one’ve these doz a lot, but then there’s like MORE MOVIE, act’uly there’s like TWO FUCKIN’ HOURS MORE MOVIE like it’s sayin’, “There’s no fuckin’ escapin’ this, yer locked the fuck in.” But other’n that I think I’d liked it more if the months’d felt like they woz rollin’ by slower. 

Also, an’ I think this’s the dealbreaker, but this really fuckin’ misses the ‘Ome Leave scenes where Paul’s back with ‘is fam’ly an’ he can’ get on like he did b’fore coz this’s fuckin’ ruined ‘im. There wozza point where I though’ they woz act’uly gonna let ‘im LIVE this time, an’ then the home stuff would’ve bin him comin’ back an’ tryin’a be regular after seein’ all ‘is mates die an’ doin’ terr’ble things in order t’not die, an’ like at firs’ I woz happy they didn’ do that, but now lookin’ back I think thass wot this needed. Bein’ broken by this an’ then bein’ asked t’carry on an’ pr’tend y’feel like a hero’s wot the story’s about, it’s the real fuckin’ horror’ve. Give ‘em credit, with the stuff with the pol’ticians an’ the Gen’rals an’ seein’ how the other half lived they tried t’give it a NEW horror, but it don’ work as well fer me. It’s the bigges’ bollock the scrip’ drops. 

It’s still fuckin’ awesome tho, there’s no gettin’ past it, an’ watchin’ it play out act’uly in German this time added a layer I weren’ expectin’. I didn’t think it’d add anythin’ but watchin’ these boys go int’a Hell usin’ the words the really would’ve made it more powerful inna way I don’ know how t’make sense’ve meself, y’know. I just think it woz two choices away from bein’ a mast’piece, ‘stead of jus’ bein’ really really fuckin’ good. None’ve this means it ain’t winnin’ a fuckin’ tank full’ve Oscars tho. Extra half-star fer Baron Zeno out’ve nowhere.

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