365 Days ½

Right. So you know in Guardians Of The Galaxy when Starlord jokes about his ship looking like a Jackson Pollock if you had a black light? This movie has that but literally.

In the words of a character early on in this movie ‘How... THE FACK... did this happen?’. I hesitate to use the term ‘cinematic abortion’ but this was well and truly that. Netflix should be disappointed in themselves to have marketed shite like this to a mass audience of dumbasses and impressionable young people. Its offensive and poorly made and on top (accidental sex pun) of that, it’s genuinely the least sexy ‘sex’ movie since Dakota and Jamie had a whoopsy with a tub of Ben And Jerry’s back in 2018. The saddest thing about this movie however, is that everything negative that I could possibly say about it has already been said by thousands of other people who hate it just as much, if not more. So I’ll just leave you with some interesting IMDB trivia about this piece of shit and a paragraph of me venting. It’s 2am after all.

Before he got the script of this movie, Michele Morrone had given up on his film and television career and was newly divorced, broke, severely depressed and working as a gardener in a tiny northern Italian village. After five months toiling alongside cows and chickens, he got a call from his agent that a team of Polish filmmakers wanted to offer him the lead role of an Italian mafia boss in this film. Marrone said he called his gardening boss and said, 'I'm not coming in today. My stomach doesn't feel good,' and boarded a plane to Poland. He has since achieved worldwide stardom and fame after the release of this film and now scripts are flowing in.

You know he should’ve just stayed on the farm with his cows... 

I’ll put it plain and simple. Fuck this movie and fuck the writer of the novel. Fuck this movie like Massimo fucks Laura. Fuck it long and hard in every way and in the format of a weird five minute montage backed by royalty free hump tunes. Fuck it all the way off of Netflix. Fuck it off the face of the earth. It’s an offensive Stockholm Syndrome abduction fantasy with wannabe pop slow jams from a guy who sings like a fuckboy barista with throat cancer. It’s awful. Please. I said the same thing about Cats. Let’s stop giving dumb/offensive shit like this attention. It shouldn’t be a meme or a celebrated ‘so bad it’s good’ sort of thing. It’s trash, unhealthy trash and letting it fade into obscure nothingness is the right idea. 
Fuck I need a drink.

Cine_Addict liked these reviews