Favorite films

  • After Yang
  • Cha Cha Real Smooth
  • The Northman
  • The Batman

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  • Minions: The Rise of Gru

    ★½

  • Family Camp

    ½

  • The Black Phone

    ★★½

  • Elvis

    ★★½

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  • Columbus

    Columbus

    ★★★★★

    My girlfriend almost broke up with me today. We haven't seen each other in two months due to quarantine. She called me and said she wanted to continue our relationship 5 or so hours later. The whole ordeal resulted in me having a panic attack.

    And yet somehow, at two in the morning after a night of crying alone in my bedroom with my dog giving me comfort nuzzles, I end up here.

    Columbus is my happy place. I can…

  • Dolittle

    Dolittle

    This movie...

    was so bad...

    that the theater was empty...

    on opening night.

    YIKES.

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  • Minions: The Rise of Gru

    Minions: The Rise of Gru

    ★½

    Am I the only one who's seeing the slow descent into absurdity that this franchise is taking, to the point where I think they're starting to become self-aware and could possibly start to delve into progressively more absurd content to the point that Minions 4 becomes something like a Lynchian property that maintains somewhat of a children's movie aura to it, but is definitely self-aware of how nuts it's gotten and the road it took from a normal family franchise to the most cracked animated franchise ever?

    Just me?

    Okay.

  • Family Camp

    Family Camp

    ½

    WE SHOW UP
    WE LOVE BIG
    WE PRAY HARD
    WE FORGIVE
    WE SHOW UP
    WE LOVE BIG
    WE PRAY HARD
    WE FORGIVE
    WE SHOW UP
    WE LOVE BIG
    WE PRAY HARD
    WE FORGIVE
    WE SHOW UP
    WE LOVE BIG
    WE PRAY HARD
    WE FORGIVE
    WE SHOW UP
    WE LOVE BIG
    WE PRAY HARD
    WE FORGIVE
    WE SHOW UP
    WE LOVE BIG
    WE PRAY HARD
    WE FORGIVE
    WE KILL THEM
    WE KILL YOU
    WE KILL US
    YOU'LL KILL TOO
    WE FEAST FLESH
    WE FUCK HARD
    WE MAKE BLOOD
    WE DIE
    WE DIE
    WE DIE
    WE DIE
    WE DIIIEEEEEEEEEEE

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  • A Quiet Place Part II

    A Quiet Place Part II

    ★★

    The response to this film makes sense to me.

    Most people liked the first one and they think this one is better.

    I thought the first one was mediocre and I think this one is worse.

    The first thing that has to be addressed is that the pacing here is awful. The film is literally missing a third act. Ambiguity is cool, but your film kinda just does need to have an ending, and there's just not an ending here.…

  • Scream

    Scream

    There is absolutely no shot that this has a 3.6 average on here.

    I must just be on crack, because this was so so so bad. It's an endless pool of meta that hits you across the face with it as bluntly as possible. There's no grace, it's one of those movies that makes fun of tropes and bad things about horror films... and then just does those things, but because they mentioned it, now they're self aware! The acting…