Eternals ★½

There are approximately two good things about this movie.

1. Half of the ensemble performances, but not the main ones.

2. It looks like a Marvel movie, meaning it's shot pretty alright.

I cannot begin to explain how relieved I am that this film is bad, and we can finally come to the realization that Chloe Zhao isn't all that she's been puffed up to be. Instead, she's a hack fraud who can't write to save her life and relies on amazing performances instead. The dialogue and plot points in this are awful. For a movie that's almost three fucking hours, boy oh boy does the character development feel rushed while the actual scenes seem like they slog on forever. This is the type of film exclusively made for people who are pretentious enough to call themselves intellectuals.

Keoghan, Ridloff, Jolie, Lee and Henry are all amazing and would make this movie two times better if they were at the forefront, instead of Chan and Madden, who seem to be absolute voids of charisma or talent.

Also, Marvel, PICK A FUCKING TONE. I don't want to constantly switch my brain from the existential debate of existence without meaning to hehehe Kumail Nanjiani make joke. Make your serious movies serious and your funny movies funny, because you suck at smoothly transitioning from one style to the other.

If there was another brain behind this, like a Lynne Ramsay, or even maybe a Lulu Wang, and another half of the cast, this could have been the best Marvel movie ever. Contrary to my negativity, there is some major potential here in this story. That being said, with what it was given... shit was ass lmao.