Transformers: The Last Knight ★★★★

this is art made by a madman, spinning like a tasmanian devil and tearing our reality to pieces. this fucking movie has:

-merlin the wizard using mecha-king ghidorah to defend ancient england
-transformers playing soccer on cuba's beaches
-legit 100% metal gears from metal gear solid
-post-apocalyptic wastelands
-EIGHT different aspect ratios that are constantly being switched
-mark whalberg shooting at metal gears with an alien gun
-ancient magical bug talisman snakes
-transformers beating the shit out of a global paramilitary force by tearing themselves apart and then fighting with each separate limb
-a police transformer with two brass knuckles that say PUNISH and ENSLAVE
-robot tentacle alien lady
-robot dinosaur vomiting a car
-robot baby dinosaur setting fire to the american flag
-robot leprechaun kung-fu butler with a rotary phone built into his chest who becomes a TORPEDO
-robot ninja samurai
-robot junkyard steve buscemi
-six alien horns growing from INSIDE THE EARTH which is actually UNICRON
-megatron negotiating for the release of political prisoners with the CIA
-suicide squad titlecards for transformers who die 5 seconds after they start fighting
-deception bankrobbers
-indian reservations
-megatron doing hamlet with starscream's skull
-mechadinos attacking the CIA
-drones that look exactly like tie fighters
-mark wahlberg as the reincarnation of king arthur
-ayy lmaos
-literally TWO PLANETS CRASHING INTO EACH OTHER
-fucking lara croft
-crazy ass anthony hopkins losing his goddamn mind and threatening the prime minister of britain with a watch
-transformers killed hitler with said watch, ran the underground railroad, wrote shakespeare's plays and were invented by da vinci
-a gun that stops time
-john turturro exiled in cuba explaining the secrets of stonehenge
-TONGUE MISSILES
-a.... museum..... that's a transformer....
-submarines crashing into each other
-fish smacking
-the space jockey ship from LV-426
-THE MOON GETTING DESTROYED
-zombies
-evil right-wing nationalist optimus prime
-human vs. transformer sword fight
-ANTHONY HOPKINS SHOOTING MEGATRON WITH HIS CANE GUN
-the complete destruction of the pyramids
-fire-breathing dragons chasing fighter planes
-cybertron normandy beach
-robot bull satan combiner gets decapitated NINE times
-STING LIKE A BEE
-lara croft saving the planet with bullshit magic electricity
-----optimus prime giving the best inspiring speech EVER about humanity and robots working together for a better future which made me weap tears of JOY

and that's not even covering the other 50% of this movie's explosions and dumb jokes and pop culture references and car chases and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


i could talk about this in terms of how it reinscribes the hard labor of the global proletarian as the true inheritor of the benefits of all of history's achievements, leaving capitalism in the dust and how this is a massive cinematic hegelian movement but hoooooooolllyyyyyyyyyyy fuck how was this movie ever made, this is from another dimension, this is inhuman, i'm shook, if there's such a thing as 'post-cinema', this is it. it feels like the most expensive movie ever made, the most MOST movie, a maximalist expression of every single thing that has ever existed in the universe

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