Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ½

Star Wars: Triumph of the Sheev is a heartwarming and often hilarious epic dramedy about a senile patrician dictator's attempt to reunite with his estranged granddaughter amidst the chaos and violence of a Space Bolshevik revolution. Like all great road trip movies, lessons are learned along the way, revelations about the past are made, and our nonagenarian hero discovers his inner joie de vivre once more, as he watches his bloodline blossom, prosper and thunderbolt (and lightning, very, very frightening) over the unwashed plebs of the Soydrinker and White Knight varieties. Sir Ian McDiarmid is a definite lock for Best Supported Actor this award season and young Lady Ridley (of British aristocracy) -in her first screen role ever!- brilliantly captures the entitlement, confusion and privilege of the modern Western womynx as the feisty M.S. Palpatine. This Christmas, spend your hard-earned money on a corporate conglomerate that will not hesitate to censor fandom dissent (muh Russian bots!), reinforce (Chinese) family values, and give you back a cinematic experience cherished ad infinitum on the pirate streams across the oceans.

P.S. Justice for Poe Dameron's blue balls. Or not - what a cuck.