• Men
  • Moon Knight

    Moon Knight

    ★★

    Fucking hell these things just get worse and worse. Hard to tell if it's better or not that Oscar Isaac seems to actually be putting effort into this shit, like that's the only good thing about it but also: that can't be good for you man! Ethan Hawke has the right idea, get paid get out! Life's too short to spend 3 months researching how to be a "moon knight" for christ's sake, get-some-help.gif

  • Alligator 2: The Mutation

    Alligator 2: The Mutation

    ★★½

    Slower! Cheaper! Dumber! But enough about Steve Railsback...

  • Alligator

    Alligator

    ★★★½

    Gotta side with the alligator when it's mostly killing cops and upper class corporate scum. Sure a kid also dies but in a pretty gnarly way so it's fine. Sucks that Robert Forster has to be the one to take him down, really hard to choose who to root for between them both. Maybe they could've been really great friends if he wasn't a cop anymore, like a Pam Grier situation. Doing cons and eating johns! Snappie Brown, they coulda called it. Sigh.

  • Val

    Val

    ★★★

    Look I haven't watched the richard stanley moreau doc but it can't possibly top the scene in this where brando is almost comatose in a hammock demanding that val kilmer "give me a push!"

    There's gotta be hours of that stuff in kilmer's tapes, they sound like the vault of prince recordings locked away in paisley park. Imagine! There's no way footage of fred ward's dick isn't somewhere in that archive.

  • Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

    Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

    ★★★★

    Fun fact the address that Otis and Henry live at is around the corner from a shop that H.H. Holmes used to work in. Both places have turned into incredibly upscale centers of yuppie gentrification, anyway I'm sure there's no cultural or political insight to be gleaned from any of that information!

  • Record City

    Record City

    ★★

    Everything you expect from a 70's "cast of characters" "comedy" revolving around a central location, you've got your sex starved nerd, hairy chested ladies man, women's lib caricature, multiple people in gorilla costumes, and uhh Gallagher shows up. Every woman is incredibly hot and desperate for the latest Mike Nesmith record. Kinky Friedman honks the boobs of a woman who looks exactly like John Denver. Ed Begley Jr gets electrocuted. This is what every movie from 1974 to 1979 was like.

  • A Scream in the Streets

    A Scream in the Streets

    ★★½

    70% buttholes, 20% horrible detective work, and 10% bizarre couch arrangements.

  • Mardi Gras Massacre

    Mardi Gras Massacre

    ★★½

    extreme chutzpah to set your movie in New Orleans clubs during mardi gras and have them play nothing but disco, the musical style everyone associates with the big easy aka funkytown USA

  • The Other Guys

    The Other Guys

    ★★

    Legitimately believe this is actually dumber than most comedies considered stupid trash, I cannot understand how this has a good reputation at all except for people who like to tell you it's actually about how capitalism is evil. It also looks like "a roasted dog's asshole", which is the type of screenwriting this movie has.

    Absolute front-to-back lack of effort by everyone involved, except maybe Sam Jackson & The Rock, though it looks like they were composited in from any of their other movies Radioactive Man style. Probably an extra half star for Ray Stevenson, and Ray only. It stinks!

  • Heaven's Prisoners

    Heaven's Prisoners

    ★★★

    If Matthew McConaughey did any single thing that Eric Roberts does in this (still entertaining) piece of shit, movie freaks would throw Oscars at him until he developed terminal Actor Brain™, oh wait that's pretty much exactly what happened. Eric Roberts GOAT yet again, stay hungry 👑

  • The French Dispatch

    The French Dispatch

    ★★★

    Gentlemen, the day we've long feared has arrived...Wes Anderson has become horny.