if anyone wants to know what rehab is like, this film is literally just a recreation of my daily intensive emdr sessions where i have to think ab my dead father. the scenes that arise when i close my eyes and tap into my subconscious mind n can suddenly see every past/childhood memory i’ve had w him play out in rhythmic montage.  

while weeping during one of these sessions a few days ago, i thought ab how devastated i am that i didn’t love and appreciate my dad enough during my childhood when he tried so hard to make our lives as fun and joyful as possible. i thought ab all the times i took him for granted when he taught us how to paint. how to bake. how to do magic. the summers we spent bowling and running thru sprinklers and playing board games at the local cafe and going to every library and movie theater in the county. so many things he did w us that i didn’t appreciate at the time bc i was an ungrateful kid.

but then my therapist told me that i didn’t actually take him for granted after all. bc the reason he did everything he did in the first place was to give me the memories. and those are what he wants me to keep forever.