• The Stalls of Barchester

    The Stalls of Barchester

    ★★★

    The Stalls of Barchester has so much potential with its naturally eerie setting. Likewise, unearthing past events through the medium of an old diary could've been really interesting. Unfortunately, despite it's short runtime, The Stalls of Barchester shuffles along and the narrative never really grabbed me. The choir music was a nice touch and the addition of a black cat felt very Poe, but there wasn't much payoff by the end. On a vaguely related note, this reminded me of…

  • Tumbling Doll of Flesh

    Tumbling Doll of Flesh

    ★★

    Watching this felt like condensing months worth of self-loathing into a gruelling 72 minutes. I considered just logging this without a review and forgetting I ever watched it, but I figured I should at least try and gain something from the ordeal.

    Tumbling Doll of Flesh is grotty to put it mildly and primitive to put it accurately. Its crudeness is matched only by its hopelessness and is an extremely unpleasant watch. The term "torture porn" is thrown around a…

  • The Masque of the Red Death

    The Masque of the Red Death

    ★★★★½

    "I do not want to hurt you my dear, don't you understand? I want to save your soul so you can join me in the glories of hell."

    A satanic Vincent Price flouncing around a castle in his Peter Pan tights, snearing at those beneath him and insisting they slither on the floor for his amusement? Ah, what's not to love?

    The Masque of the Red Death is brimming with artistry, especially in the visual department, and is definitely one…

  • Orphan: First Kill

    Orphan: First Kill

    ★★★★

    Hey guys, hope you're all well! I've officially come out of hiding fashionably late for spooky season 😅 Yeah, my hiatus lasted a lot longer than I first anticipated, so I'm not very confident in my ability to string sentences together anymore, so here goes nothing....

    As a pre-teen/young teenager, I had a tendency to obsessively latch onto things, which meant that my long suffering family had to watch the same damn films over and over again and Orphan was…

  • X

    X

    ★★½

    I'm not a fan of Ti West and from what I've seen so far, I'm not much of a fan of A24 either, but after seeing so much praise for this film I went in fairly optimistic. Unfortunately, X not only felt really vapid, but also bored me absolutely shitless.

    The words "elevated horror" usually incite me with dread and annoyance, but this film excelled itself on that front and just felt like an extended exercise in stigmatising old people…

  • After Midnight

    After Midnight

    ★★½

    Sure, Hank pining after his runaway girlfriend is sad and all. But after he made peanut butter and jelly wine, my sympathy for him is limited. Not quite as limited as my patience, mind you, past the one hour mark when still absolutely nothing had happened.

    What could've been an emotionally investing film, or at bare minimum a cool creature feature/body horror, was instead an absolute chore to sit through. And when the creature finally decided to rock up after…

  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    Texas Chainsaw Massacre

    ★★★

    Don't get me wrong, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a good film, but I've always thought it was ever so slightly overrated. Then again, I generally dislike a lot of slasher staples, so "good" is probably high praise coming from me. I went into this with no real expectations, but wasn't expecting much after how banal and forgettable Leatherface was. Despite also being sick of horror remakes/reboots, this was much more entertaining than I first anticipated.

    Unequivocally, this film delivers…

  • Castle Freak

    Castle Freak

    ★★

    Stuart Gordon really watched The Goonies and decided to turn it into a weird rape fantasy, huh? Thanks, I hate it.

    Cool creature design....though the swinging ball sack was probably a detail too far.

  • The Killer Eye

    The Killer Eye

    Someone needs to take ownership over my Amazon prime account to prevent me from restarting my Full Moon subscription yet again. Why do I keep doing this to myself and expecting different results? How do they keep plummeting to unfathomable depths of awfulness with every goddamn film I watch. Okay, I'm going to just watch Castle Freak and cleanse myself of Full Moon for good....Yeah, that's not going to happen is it?

  • Hellbender

    Hellbender

    ★★★

    I finally watched Woodlands Dark and Days Bewitched back in January and it's got me eager to start binging some of my folk horror blind spots. (I didn't review it on here because I'm a bit pedantic about only logging films, not documentaries, but I'd definitely recommend checking it out if you haven't already!) Hellbender does possess its own self-identity but to the films detriment, it constantly reminded me of Mandy. Much like Cosmatos' film, Hellbender suffers from a lack…

  • Prince of Darkness

    Prince of Darkness

    ★★★½

    Evil mouthwash as a horror antagonist? Sure. Why the fuck not?

    Prince of Darkness has been lurking, or rather decaying, in my watchlist for a really long time now. I didn't know what to expect going into this, but it definitely appeals to a lot of my sensibilities (I can absolutely see why you wanted me to watch this Matt!) The premise is really intriguing, melding two themes I have an affinity for; nerdy physics-core and demonic shenanigans. Likewise, I'm…

  • The Sand

    The Sand

    ★★

    I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.

    The dude stuck in a rusty metal bin screaming "I'm dying in here" sums up the entire viewing experience, but more accurately my existence. Occasionally amusing, mostly disappointing.