Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey ★½

For all of its controversy (and there was a lot) it has become abundantly clear to me, that not only is Fifty Shades of Grey incredibly tame but there was a distinct lack of tampon-pulling-and-fucking. Which for the record is the only reason I wanted to see this film. I wanted to see Christian Grey (forcibly) remove Anastasia's tampon and get blood all over his dick, because seriously, that definitely would turn on the world. Real question for the ladies, and because I really need to know, but does that appeal to you at all? Like... is the idea that a man doesn't find your bleeding all over his dick NOT disgusting turn you on. If so, then I'm your man.

HOWEVER. I am not a hot and dominant billionaire psychopath with ropes and cuffs and therefore I'll only end up disappointing you when it turns out I'm only 15 shades of fucked up. I'm trying to be funny as you can tell, but even I realise it's failing but I'm sticking with it in the hopes that you'll find me being overly-meta about all this absolutely hilarious. It's not I know, but I find myself amusing and writing this was more fun than watching the film.

And no, I didn't go alone you bastard. I went with someone. A woman. No not my mother you weird fuck. No, not my sister either. And no, I didn't get the planned handjob at the back of the cinema either, so yeah, there goes feminism. By the way: I'm 99% sure being a billionaire practically renders a traumatic childhood redundant, so get over it Mr.Grey you softy. Sigh.

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