Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Star Wars: The Last Jedi ★★★

"You are no Vader. You are just a child in a mask."

I'm a pretty big Star Wars fan, but I'm not a gullible Star Wars fan; well I was after seeing both The Force Awakens and Rogue One- both great films but nothing special years after their release. The Last Jedi however, I knew this was pretty bad during the first ten minutes after a very painful extended joke which sounds like something from Family Guy.

To all those people thinking this film is genius and amazing, please, just take your head out of your asses. You don't need to like this because it is a Star Wars film, I mean, I wrote that tiring list on the franchise and I don't like this film even though it's in the Star Wars Cannon and it's not a le prequel.

A perfect metaphor for these types of fans is that very real scene in The Last Jedi where Luke Skywalker, uh, is milking the tits of this massive space hippo and drinking the green disgusting milk from a bottle. Do not let Disney feed you this shit and enjoy it. They literally don't care about you at this point.

The Last Jedi feels like it has been written and directed by somebody who hasn't seen a Star Wars film, especially the Force Awakens, evident in the pure audacity the film has the throw away two of the most talked about plot points in 21st Century cinema: Who's Snoke? and Who are Rey's Parents?".

Both thrown out within minutes of each other. Instead of an explanation you get nothing.

Adding to my theory that Rian Johnson hasn't seen a Star Wars film: What powers does a Jedi have?

If you said, flying through space, you are correct.

Actually, maybe Johnson got Jedi mixed up with the Matrix because a Jedi in the film also did that overparodied Neo dodging bullet thing from the original Matrix.

Um, should I talk about Porgs now? They are the Minions of Star Wars, sorry, the Captain Phasma of Force Awakens of The Last Jedi: All talk of the town for Disney but they serve no common purpose for the film apart from merchandise.

Wow, and people hated George Lucas for merchandising Attack of the Clones heavily, at least he didn't make the merchandising paradise that is Porgs.

Okk, so with all the annoying stuff I wanted to pull out early, I'll go into non-spoiler plot now: The Last Jedi is unsurprisingly a reboot of Empire Strikes Back with elements of Return of the Jedi and a random mission mixed in as well. It really just shows how lazy Disney are: do we really need to have another battle on a snow planet?

I don't I've ever been this bored during a Star Wars film since Attack of the Clones. Finn and Poe's plotline is very clearly just added into the film to make up for a lack of a story in their behalf- the entire film should have just been built around Rey, Luke and Kylo, but their story is plugged in and it really brings down the central plot of the film to focus on... space animal rights?

With saying all this however, I do believe the acting and cinematography in one certain scene was fantastic and <b<some of the deaths of iconic characters were done somewhat better than in Force Awakens (just don't think about the logic), but even then one fan favourite characters death wasn't even shown and was told after, as if he/she had nothing to do with the franchise.

With Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I finally see that I was such an idiot to think Disney could have done something that I personally would like with Star Wars. The Star Wars reboot series is not about the fans however, it's about the masses and what the masses want. If the masses want a film like anything Marvel has put out in the last five years, then Disney will structure Star Wars to be like that. Space battles, CGI everything and constant joking at the expense of ruining the film, they don't care- Star Wars isn't for the die-hard nerds now: it's for everyone.

It's become everything I've disliked, and of course, not starting with this, George Lucas shot it with Phantom- I'm just saying, I don't like where this going.

I wrote this review because I really don't want to cringe once again in two years when I realise how much of a mess this film is and how much I "loved" it when I first saw it.

I just didn't like it that much.

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