Smurfs: The Lost Village

For centuries, humankind has been vexed by one question above all others: Do Smurfs have sex? Some, such as noted scholar Donald Darko, say that Peyo’s iconic blue gnomes are asexual beings who lack reproductive organs altogether. Others contend that Smurfette — the only Smurf who identifies as female — is solely responsible for breeding future generations, although that argument obviously fails to account for the Smurfs that predated her. Canonically, it’s understood that a fleet of storks deliver baby Smurfs to Smurf Village whenever there’s a blue moon; that sounds a bit suspect, so far as these theories go, but it has the added benefit of being easily explained to young children.

I regret to inform you, dear reader, that “Smurfs: The Lost Village” does not put to bed the matter of how these tiny creatures procreate. On the contrary, this creatively vacant animated reboot — a perilous half-step down from the relatively inspired pair of awful live-action/computer-generated movies with which director Raja Gosnell last tried to revive this tired brand — replaces that unsolvable mystery with an even more urgent, more fundamental one. After millennia of wondering how Smurfs reproduce, it suddenly seems as if the more pressing question is why.