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  • 1917

    1917

    ★★★½

    Any idiot who thinks war is an acceptable option in 2020 needs to be forced to watch the first twenty minutes of this film (on loop) with their eyelids taped open ‘til they scream THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!

    Honestly, I didn’t like this movie. It conflates technical achievement with human emotion and those two things are not the same. The “single take” approach to this story regularly defuses the tension of many scenes by babysitting our attention. And before you…

  • Little Women

    Little Women

    ★★★★★

    Giving this film the benefit of the doubt that it’s aware how saccharine its last twenty minutes are ... it’s otherwise perfect. You’d have better luck collecting your tears with a bucket than a tissue for how easily this picture squeezes them out of you.

    Greta navigates the cacophony of emotional landscapes with such clear intention that you instantly see how genuine her connection to this story is. Can you imagine the state of cinema if every director was this…

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  • Dolittle

    Dolittle

    ★★

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    Lol this was very bad. The climax is literally Iron Man elbows-deep in a dragon removing an anal blockage, complete with goo and farts. And like, kudos to the A.I. that Universal used to test this scene but 💯% needed at least one human to watch before releasing it bc this turned into a very niche vers of how to train ur dragon real quick. 

    I’m really sorry for this terrible review. I’m sorry for this movie too. If it’s not a must-see for you, maybe save your money. Show your kids HOMEWARD BOUND or BALTO instead.

  • Underwater

    Underwater

    ★★★★

    Bro.

    Best way to start 2020

    This is like a super metal version of The Abyss. 

    And I am 100% here for it.

    Also.

    All the stars for Vincent Cassel ...every single one.

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  • Rosemary's Baby

    Rosemary's Baby

    ★★★★

    Can you imagine living in that gorgeous, sprawling apartment, and still having to do laundry in the basement?!

    Ok seriously this movie freaked me the eff out. That scrabble scene had me hiding under the blanket just waiting for the letters to spell SATAN SIXSIXSIX 🙈

  • Only God Forgives

    Only God Forgives

    ★½

    As emotionally engaging as Gosling’s bored expression. And that’s not hyperbole. Refn clearly forbade the man from using any mimetic muscles in his performance. But that’s ok. Because look at that evocative lighting. And all that color. And by color I mean blood. And by blood I mean people being terrible to each other. That’s art, baby!