This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
When they said this was the end of Star Wars, I didn't think they meant it that way.
Maybe the most dismally dissonant film ever made when it comes to production value and narrative potential versus resulting purpose and cultural impact. All of the fears of those who believe blockbusters made by corporations automatically have no artistic merit made flesh. A movie produced on a gargantuan budget, with the marketing push of the biggest studio currently in Hollywood behind it,…
Remember when I said remakes shouldn't deserve contempt just for existing? I still stand by that. However, when a remake completely betrays the point of the original while also being one of the most ill-conceived films in decades, I definitely feel that it should never have existed in the first place.
The obvious question is: what is this movie trying to be, and by extension, who is it for? It's not trying to be the original Stepford Wives, because it…
Video game to film adaptations have a rough reputation for a reason. Aside from a couple of outliers that are still very much up to interpretation, the vast majority of video game movies have ranged from mediocre wastes of time to monumental disasters capable of leveling the average major city.
To be perfectly honest, Doom is not even the worst offender in this category; there are several video game adaptations I can think of that are definitely worse, with most…
Ten years ago, Michael Bay brought the Transformers franchise to the big screen. Since then, no less than five films have been made in the series, all of them helmed by the same man. People claim they want to see a director's vision. Well, here it is.
This isn't really a review of the first Transformers movie, so much as a question about the series itself: why do these films succeed over and over despite never evolving? I haven't even…
Most people probably thought Alien 3 was the series finale, but sometimes you get a green light with no idea how to take the story further. Toss in a bewildered Joss Whedon, a disinterested Jean-Pierre Jeunet, a clone of Ripley and a robot Winona Ryder, and you get one of the most bizarre franchise films ever made.
More of a slapstick dark comedy than anything else, Alien: Resurrection scrambles around its padded room like a maniac, never sure what it…
The Mummy was an entertaining adventure film that was essentially a roller coaster based on Egyptian mythology. The Mummy Returns was the same ride, but with less polish. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor? Sorry kids, but this ride needs to be shut down.
I'm glad the franchise tried something different by leaving Imhotep behind and creating a new undead antagonist, but that's where the compliments end. Concept does not equal execution, and Tomb of the Dragon Emperor fails…
I remember when I first discovered The Room back in high school. Known as the pinnacle of awful filmmaking, it was a movie I enjoyed for how absolutely insane it was. Years later, the novelty has worn off, but it's still amazing that this thing even exists.
There's no point in even trying to properly critique Tommy Wiseau's magnum opus. It defies all categorization, going beyond the impossible in terms of narrative incoherence and disdain for cinematic craft. It would…
Aliens invade our planet and decide to take over our bodies. People hide, not knowing if and when the aliens will come for them. A clash of societies across the stars.
A hokey love story wrapped in a decaying young adult pita.
I'm not sure if I've ever watched a movie as unbearably stiff as The Host. This two hour movie took me twice as long to watch because I simply couldn't sit through certain parts of it and needed…
The original Ghost in the Shell has been plundered and pilfered for all it's worth by subsequent films, comics and video games, with its list of influenced works easily eclipsing knowledge of the original.
Now, its own remake has murdered it.
2017's Ghost in the Shell is a tragedy; a cinematic catastrophe that perfectly realizes every filmgoer's worst nightmares about the age of adaptations. This "remake" doesn't rejuvenate, reimagine or even pay homage to the original, instead suffocating it in…
I have no idea how Rosamund Pike went from Gone Girl to Return to Sender in the span of one year. This movie is basically the direct-to-DVD sequel of Gone Girl anyway.
Should've called it Gone Girl 2: Reloaded or something.
That joke in itself is a bit of a spoiler, but so is the tagline on the poster, so does it even matter? This movie is absurd nonsense, and it's basically as bad as you imagine. I'm not sure…
While watching something as awful as Fifty Shades of Grey, one often finds themselves trying to escape into their thoughts. Why was this made? How did Twilight fanfiction become an international bestseller? Is this really the most prevalent female-oriented narrative of our time? What did we do to deserve this?
I don't have answers to any of those questions, and neither does the film itself, which is nothing less than a cinematic catastrophe. It takes the very concept of an…