Cats

Cats

-I'd like to begin this entry by saying I went to cats very drunk and cannot/will not be held responsible for any of the following thoughts, which i'm sharing to all of you in confidence.

NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME...

...Some notes on the levels of horniness I feel for specific characters and aspects of CATS (and literally no observations on anything else):

-Jason Derulo/Sex Appeal Cat: Pretty hot? but clearly has Usher-levels of herpes, so u gotta stay away from that

-Mister Mistoffelees/Magic Cat: def sexy, in that cute awkward way, but he's a two-pump chump and we all know he can't handle a hook-up let alone a relationship, he overthinks everything. Sorry bro, but if you sing a song about how hard it is to get ur magical dick up, i'm OUT

-Ian McKellen/Theatrical Cat: definitely could throw it down in his day, but has clearly never gotten over all the funerals he had to attend during the peak of cat-AIDS, where he lost so many friends. his dick game hasn't been the same since, and it would be shameful for any of us to ask him to truly perform at this point.

-It's at this point in my notes that I'd like to make the assertion that railroad/conductor cat (in those fuckin TIGHT red overalls) is by far the hottest and most fuckable cat. He is professional, neat, he got that STACHE, and u know he a DIRTY LIL GUY that like to get his FELINE FREAK on between shifts. the amount of times he sang "rail" was enough for me, and definitely the rest of you, regardless of whether or not you cowards admit how wet you were when he strutted his sweet little cat body down those goddamn train tracks. I really need to go to bed. two more points.

-THE CATS ARE HOTTER WHEN THEY HAVE CLOTHES ON, I DON'T MAKE THE RULES (there is one exception to this rule)

-The moment Idris Elba took off his fur coat i was like ZAMMMMMM ZADDDY U GOT THOSE HAUNCHES???? BECAUSE THEY SEEMED TO HAVE MADE HIM LESS MUSCULAR THAN USUAL VIA THE DIGITAL FUR TECHNOLOGY AND I WAS LIKE I KNOW WHAT U GOT HIDING UNDER THAT COAT OF FUR IDRIS BUT LOW KEY THE DAD BOD WORKED FOR HIM TOO THIS WAS THE ONLY TIME A FULLY NUDE (OR CLOTHES-LESS) CAT ACTUALLY DID IT FOR ME

Eli liked these reviews

All