Melancholia ★★★★½

I'm going to be leaving the site again for an undetermined period of time, and by leave the site, I just mean that I won't be commenting/writing/interacting; I'll probably still log films to keep track of what I'm watching. The truth, as some of you already know, is that I have a pretty extreme case of clinical depression, which I have been placed in a residential institution for in the past. It had improved over the years, but this year has possibly been the most difficult for me, psychologically, since I was diagnosed back in 2011. I've been put on medication and am currently in the process of receiving treatment but each new day seems to be getting harder and harder to endure. I'm not one to avoid talking about mental illness, or repress it, especially my own, because I don't think that does any good so I'm simply putting it all out in the open, as I always have. Mere existence and the pursuit of contentment is hard enough for me (and for so many others struggling with their own mental health issues) as it is. Letterboxd used to be a place where I could come to discuss my passion with other individuals also passionate about film (and, to some extent, it still is); it was very therapeutic for me. Now, however, whether it's being included in lists like (and I'm paraphrasing) "how to get attention on Letterboxd," "ugliest Letterboxd users," "users who don't write good reviews," etc., or having a film that I made in response to my father's death being called a "pretentious suicide note," or it being written that "Todd Solondz would really hate me" (now that one I can laugh at, lol), or being talked shit about on Twitter by an array of Letterboxd users... well, the site might not be the only, or even a primary contributor to my despondency, but it doesn't seem to be doing any favors for the state of my mental health either. It might be easy for certain individuals to shrug this behavior off (and more power to them; boy, do I wish that I was able to) or wonder why I can't just move past it -- and, of course, the support and kindness of this community does still vastly outweigh the aspects that I'm struggling to deal with -- but if there's one thing my mind is good at, it's fixating on the one negative thing that happens to me even if it's sandwiched into a bundle of a dozen positive things. That's what my depression does: it makes me fixate on the bad even if/when the bad is surrounded by so much good. And there's nothing I can do about that for now, until I'm healthy again. So I'm gonna be gone for a while. Not exactly sure how long, maybe not long at all, maybe for quite some time, but I just wanted to post the reasoning behind my forthcoming absence rather than simply disappearing.

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