Tenet ★½

I deserve coronavirus for seeing this in theaters.

Honestly felt like Christopher Nolan procrastinated his deadlines and turned in the entire script on a four hour Adderal binge. Like Nolan was sprinting around his house like “ahhhhhhhh shit I need a protagonist... wait that’s it! He’s The Protagonist! Ummmm I gotta do some time gimmick what if it’s Memento but in live action all the time! Got it! Now lemme put some history channel and Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban in the background and GO GO GO! Gimme a generic Russian mobster antagonist! I need to write a compelling female lead, so I'll give her a kid and nothing else! Wait! I’m 120 pages in who the fuck is Ives?!?!?!? I don’t even remember! Ahhhh fuck it characters smarachters I need all 150 pages to justify the plots existence! Oh shit is the sun coming up?!?!?!?! Type type type type!”

Then of course the board room of producers say it’s genius because it’s Christopher Nolan and nothing else. So in order to recreate the same magic in post production, Nolan sleep deprived himself and took the whole bottle of Adderal to edit this like a mental breakdown and mix the audio levels until he couldn’t hear his own brain think anymore. Poor guy. All just because he procrastinated a single deadline.

Even though Inception spent the whole time explaining itself, at least it did that part right. In Tenet, even when they’re in full expository mode 24/7 they have to be clever assholes about everything at 500mph to the point where none of it mattered. I even had the gall to ask for a closed caption device and deep down wish I was amongst the crowd of people lost in the sauce with the mix, because everything the “characters” say is insufferable self satisfied linguistic gymnastics. It’s like Jean Cocteau came back to life and wanted to make Michael Bay movies. At least Michael Bay knows he’s a hack.

A few of the set pieces really are a joy to watch, even tho it’s everything one has seen in the trailers already. I’m personally a fan of the abrasive score I’m a slut for some good bass what can I say, and the acting was great even tho their directors notes were probably along the lines of “just say this as straight faced and fast as you can who cares if you understand it.”

In the battle of 2020 films by artists I used to love that take all film conventions and throws them out the window for the sake of stroking their own self righteous megalomaniac egos, Charlie Kaufman can at least claim he’s self aware of his own pathetic nature. 

And the biggest tragedy of it all: it made me horny for the director of Artemis Fowl. 

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