Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

This movie is a '90s PC adventure game with no option to save and come back later, and unwinnable scenarios it's just kidding about. It's David Lynch's Dune if it cared too much about making any sense, and then it fails at it anyway. It's the pure relief that Adam Driver is being so much better served by other projects, and the trembling distress that Oscar Isaac is not. It's three cardboard standees, one of Princess Leia, one of Han Solo, and one of Luke Skywalker that have startled you by becoming sentient. It's sudden validity to every complaint that its female lead is actually a Mary Sue. It's a gay kiss as a marketing ploy that you will blink and miss, which is also true of every single of its ten gajillion plot points.

It was written either by a boardroom of twenty-five people, each of whom wrote sixty-three scenes under orders from several hundred stockholders, or by the fan fiction author/troll who wrote the Harry Potter fic My Immortal. Get paid, Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

Also, two men about to hold hands informing the audience that they are about to hold hands is not how you make them look less gay. FINN AND POE ARE SO MARRIED OMG

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