Transformers: Dark of the Moon ★★★

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a Transformers slut. I don’t know how or why but I am boy and metal bang shit. It's really hard for me to give this a star rating, not because I have bloody stumps where my hands should be, but because I both loved this movie, and thought it was utter, utter fucking shit. I think it's really sad that people let Michael Bay be the character that is 'Michael Bay'. But like, I heard that he is larynx deep in pussy. So I suppose when you can't breath without choking on labia, you're kind of not bothered by things like 'PLOT', 'CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT', and 'ROGER EBERT'. Look: As a stupid transformers movie, it was very hard for me to see my beloved robots do nothing but 'fuck shit up', and 'pew pew', till there were no more walls. What happened to the Autobots? They were nothing but metal slaves to assholes like Shia LeBeouff (okay fine he can break my larynx any day). And Starscream, dear Starscream. I modeled my life on you, and what happens? You get shot in the eye. Oh wait... touche.