• Midsommar

    Midsommar

    ★★½

    Competition rules were NOT clear. Zero obvi front runners in the 'Design a Wedding Brunch Lewk' challenge. NO CONFESSIONALS OR VOICE OF THE SEASON. Finally warms up once we get to the runway (slaying those looks, flower-vomit, I lived). Sad to see bear lewk was bottom two - wrong winner crowned IMO.

  • Hamilton

    Hamilton

    ½

    I bless and thank this trash for highlighting which of my theatre friends now Rest In Peace.

  • Call Me by Your Name

    Call Me by Your Name

    ★★★★★

    THIS MOVIE VERY BAD. THIS MOVIE MAKE CHEST HURT. BAD BAD FEELINGS. HEAD MUCH PAIN AND LEAKY. GUY FROM ZORRO TOO KISSABLE. MOVIE END INSIDE FIREPLACE? VERY CONFUSED. I GIVE FIVE OUT OF ONE THOUSAND MURDER HORNETS.

  • Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

    Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

    ★★★

    Much like a dog seeing a skateboard I’m going to have HARD OPINIONS. I am firmly in the camp of “you chickened the fuck out” when you (semi) retconned The Last Jedi AKA the best Star Wars movie and actually rather good movie movie. It’s hard to watch a film that you know twerps will love when the whole time you’re thinking “there’s a much more interesting movie that could have been”. Yes I’m biased because Carrie Fisher is icon…

  • Joker

    Joker

    ★★★

    Fucking men.

  • Independence Day: Resurgence

    Independence Day: Resurgence

    ½

    Will never be glamour because it does not contain the OG flavor and essence of the original: Four Strippers on a Building. I rate this a Liam Hemsworth AKA not really a star.

  • Charlie's Angels

    Charlie's Angels

    Dear God what happened how when what why WHO DID THIS. I mean we know who did this, but BANKS WHY. Never before have I watched a film that elicits a LOGIC SCREAM at such a frequent pace. Why introduce multiple Bosley's and then retcon the previous Bosleys (there's a reason, but it's piss poor). WHY (no shade) this casting? WHY a producer-inserted dance scene WHEN THEY ON THE DOWN LOW? So terrible and would have been half a star but... "don't call me an angel" OBVS

  • X-Men: First Class

    X-Men: First Class

    ★★★★

    Guys. Guys. Guys. Do you know how many sexy this movie has? It has NINE sexies! MORE LIKE SEX-MEN FIRST CUM. I DEFINITELY expected January Jones to be terrible. Spoiler alert: she is so very terrible you will never ever feel guilty about farting at a presidential dinner ever. Watch this if you like long bromances on the beach, credit sequences that are so cool you are dead, and Michael Fassbender asking to see the real Raven*.

    * Spoiler spoiler alert: it's not Raven Symone :(

  • Prometheus

    Prometheus

    ★★★½

    This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

    I feel like I spent the months leading up to this film slowly stroking Ridley Scott's cock, waiting for the inevitable dick-splosion. Ripping every single ear in my vicinity to shreds with my shrieks of excitement with my garbage mouth, spitting out every filthy bit of speculation I had.

    And that's exactly what this was: a bunch of Alien enthusiasts sitting naked in a parents' basement jerking each other off and saying “no but what if the origin was this?”…

  • Bridesmaids

    Bridesmaids

    ★★★★★

    LOOK AT THESE REVIEWS??? MEN MEN MEN MEN MANLY MEN MEN. GTFO, I cannot fathom sitting in the same room as someone who did not like this movie. There was a guy at work who shrugged and said 'meh' when I questioned him. I lowered my knife, and thought "what is WRONG with you???" and "how am I going to continue with this business, knowing that you are one of my colleagues???". I quit there and then, after slamming my…

  • Party Girl

    Party Girl

    ★★★★★

    What is one of the BEST drugged out performances you've ever seen in you're LIFE? Apart from Keanu Reeves in 'Dracula' (Pronounced 'Drah-ku-lah' while squinting). PARKER POSEY ON 'E'. Also just Parker Posey munting it up throughout. The fact that no-one in 2011 acts and dresses like she did in this movie seriously makes me want to burn things. Join my suicide cult at everyonewillseethelight.blogspot.com/byo-hood/

  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    Transformers: Dark of the Moon

    ★★★

    FULL DISCLOSURE: I am a Transformers slut. I don’t know how or why but I am boy and metal bang shit. It's really hard for me to give this a star rating, not because I have bloody stumps where my hands should be, but because I both loved this movie, and thought it was utter, utter fucking shit. I think it's really sad that people let Michael Bay be the character that is 'Michael Bay'. But like, I heard that…