Guys. Guys. Guys. Do you know how many sexy this movie has? It has NINE sexies! MORE LIKE SEX-MEN FIRST CUM. I DEFINITELY expected January Jones to be terrible. Spoiler alert: she is so very terrible you will never ever feel guilty about farting at a presidential dinner ever. Watch this if you like long bromances on the beach, credit sequences that are so cool you are dead, and Michael Fassbender asking to see the real Raven*.
* Spoiler spoiler alert: it's not Raven Symone :(
This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
I feel like I spent the months leading up to this film slowly stroking Ridley Scott's cock, waiting for the inevitable dick-splosion. Ripping every single ear in my vicinity to shreds with my shrieks of excitement with my garbage mouth, spitting out every filthy bit of speculation I had.
And that's exactly what this was: a bunch of Alien enthusiasts sitting naked in a parents' basement jerking each other off and saying “no but what if the origin was this?”…
LOOK AT THESE REVIEWS??? MEN MEN MEN MEN MANLY MEN MEN. GTFO, I cannot fathom sitting in the same room as someone who did not like this movie. There was a guy at work who shrugged and said 'meh' when I questioned him. I lowered my knife, and thought "what is WRONG with you???" and "how am I going to continue with this business, knowing that you are one of my colleagues???". I quit there and then, after slamming my…