This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.
I feel like I spent the months leading up to this film slowly stroking Ridley Scott's cock, waiting for the inevitable dick-splosion. Ripping every single ear in my vicinity to shreds with my shrieks of excitement with my garbage mouth, spitting out every filthy bit of speculation I had.
And that's exactly what this was: a bunch of Alien enthusiasts sitting naked in a parents' basement jerking each other off and saying “no but what if the origin was this?”…