“Is it safe?”
“Oh come on, baby, of course it’s safe. I had a vasectomy.”
“Well in that case...”

I have concluded that Bill Rebane doesn’t make good movies. This is further proof, a bizarre, nonsensical horror movie about millionaires playing a little game on the poor common folk. There are so many absurdly elaborate pranks and setups to try and scare them out of the game that it seems impossible that it’s being put on by three geriatrics...but is it? I genuinely don’t know, and that’s the beauty of this movie.

Added to:
• 1984 Horror — D Edward Ranks (19)

Bill Rebane's The Cold really reminded me equally of Rob Zombie's 31 and Bev & Ferdy Sebastian's The Single Girls. Take it as you will. Here's some 1984 dialogue: "Is it safe? Of course it's safe I've had vasectomy Oh, okay, <smooch>"
But then things get wierd as the proverbial cake figuratively appears and eats everyone, but really this is a mash up of 31 & Single Girls.

Weird, cheap and dumb. Those are all three pretty good characteristics of a B-movie and this has them all, although it borders on being tedious at times which really hurts it. Three old millionaires invite a handful of morons to a mansion and promise a prize of a million dollars for whoever is the winner of "The Game". Nobody, including the viewer, can understand what the game is about. There is one memorable scene where the three abduct a girl and force her to play Russian Roulette. For some reason they are wearing these drippy wax masks and the effect is completely creepy and unnerving. There's not much else going for this but it's worth looking up as a curiosity.

Schlock auteur Bill Rebane takes the general premise of ...And Then There Were None, fills it with a dull cast, undresses the ladies at every opportunity, throws in a ton of spooky Halloween store gags, and hopes for the best. It's not so terrible once the film commits to its own insanity. There's a wild scene where a monster attacks a scantily clad woman in her bed that must be seen to be believed (fyi, this is not a monster movie). Really square, but really off the wall, too.

Outside of Monster a Go-Go (1965), I’d never seen a Bill Rebane picture before. And as far as Monster a Go-Go a go-goes, truly he can’t take all the blame. A goodly portion perhaps but not all the blame.

And then we have The Game (a.k.a. The Cold(?)) Rebane concocts a House on Haunted Hill (1959)-ish story, where a trio of millionaires draw a group of people to “dare” to stay in a resort for a long weekend, the last one standing gets a million bucks.

Only it’s never clear to the players exactly what is going on, whether they are being pranked or killed or spooked or whatever. And with budgets like this one, the cast of characters are your weekend actors most.

It’s bad, yes, but vaguely fun. Its weirdest component is the Ragtime score, which I assume was employed because it was in the public domain(?) Ragtime is great and all but not the least bit eerie.

Bill Rebane strikes again. Filled with big busted girls in bikinis and less, goofy special defects *ahem* I mean effects, and a narrator that talks in rhyme and can't even figure out the end of the movie. But it is right up there with his Giant Spider Invasion for schlocky watchable fun. (and that movie is even referenced in here by someone watching it on tv)

Bill Rebane horror/comedy that fails on just about every level. The script is so riddled with twists that the story becomes nonsensical. The ragtime, gothic and 70's funk musical scores are completely at odds tonally. The acting performances are grating and the humor is beyond clunky. I really root for Rebane to overcome his budget limitations, and he is capable of putting something watchable and entertaining on the screen, but this wasn't it.

“Is it safe?”
“Oh come on, baby, of course it’s safe. I had a vasectomy.”
“Well in that case...”

I have concluded that Bill Rebane doesn’t make good movies. This is further proof, a bizarre, nonsensical horror movie about millionaires playing a little game on the poor common folk. There are so many absurdly elaborate pranks and setups to try and scare them out of the game that it seems impossible that it’s being put on by three geriatrics...but is it? I genuinely don’t know, and that’s the beauty of this movie.

Added to:
• 1984 Horror — D Edward Ranks (19)

Schlock auteur Bill Rebane takes the general premise of ...And Then There Were None, fills it with a dull cast, undresses the ladies at every opportunity, throws in a ton of spooky Halloween store gags, and hopes for the best. It's not so terrible once the film commits to its own insanity. There's a wild scene where a monster attacks a scantily clad woman in her bed that must be seen to be believed (fyi, this is not a monster movie). Really square, but really off the wall, too.

A little ways in and The Game (The Cold) gets weird and a bit dumb. It stays that way for it's runtime till the batshit crazy ending. Imagine Rob Zombie's 31 mashed up with the film Cheap Thrills and The Real World. The story involves three rich old coots offering a bunch of Fargo extras a million bucks if they can last the weekend in a closed resort. All the time watching the contestants and pulling pranks on them. Being that it was made in the early '80's, this could have turned into a low budget slasher. But since it's a Bill Rebane film, it's insane. What exactly happens? Only Bill knows.

There are no real twists, just poor editing. There is very little suspense and horror but a whole lot of "What is happening?" The characters appear to have been pulled from the screen of a 1970s porno, and the plot, well, I have few words. The Cold aka The Game, is like a 3 year old's drawing of their parents: a bunch of blobs, colorful, parts of it probably got on the dinner table, now all the new crayons are broken, and why did you have to use the nice paper! Yup. This movie is something extra super special.

Recommended pairing: anything strong and fruity, enjoy with friends who have a strong tolerance for the absurd.

“HE’D NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT IT!” shrieked a broken woman quickly consoled by her new friends/competitors upon learning of the disappearance of her true love.

The “IT,” of course, being a dime store red bandana.

Though, in the end, everyone wins a million dollars for surviving creepy muppets and having to put on a sweater.

This one is difficult to rate, as it’s a terrible movie and deserves a low score, but the way it all falls apart at the end makes it endearing in some strange way. It’s too slow and dull to be an SBIG and I doubt I’d ever watch it again, but I can understand this being a special gem for certain folks and for that, I’m glad I watched it at least once. (On a side note, this was filmed near Nicolet Forest in Wisconsin.)

Bill Rebane’s The Lake Resort on Haunted Hill and it’s accidentally entertaining in ways unintended.

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

Dear Lord, this is a Z movie if I've ever seen one. Yet, it's not the worst film I've seen, somehow. Whenever I see a movie that's absolutely horrible, I think back to this one, and I begin to appreciate The Game's low-budget efforts.