Argento's Suspiria is like someone telling you about a crazy dream that they had the night before. Guadagnino's Suspiria is like someone making you read a one hundred page thesis inspired by a dream they had years before, then endlessly researched, had peer reviewed, and published in an academic journal.

Suspiria 2018 is a cold movie in both the way it looks, and the way that it is plotted. Apart from the first major dance sequence (which is the best sequence in the movie), the rest of the film just plods along, content with being plain and ordinary. All of the surreal imagery is obnoxiously uninspired stuff. The third act had me like...

Apart from the first major dance sequence (to which I dedicate these 1 and a half stars), the horror stuff in the movie feels amateurish. The big brouhaha at the end is something that film students come up with in like their first week of classes.

At two and a half hours, I feel like a cinematic Rumpelstiltskin, as I emerged with impressively long proverbial facial hair after the movie ended, and that is about it. I don't think I am a Luca Guadagnino fan.