Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey

Curiosity is a bloody curse I tell you.

I wasn't really going to watch this one, but the offer arose earlier today and fucking hell do I regret it. The thing is, ignore everything you've heard about the film, ignore the abusive parts of the storyline, ignore all the press and connotations. I'm going to tell you straight up why you shouldn't go watch it.

Nothing fucking happens.

It's two hours of nothing except from drawn out conflict over a bloody contract that wouldn't even fill 30 minutes of a standard film. I will admit, it's admirable that they have taken the subject seriously and are trying to logistically work with some ideas. But bloody hell, the film plays is forced to play it like a straight romance and cocking hell does it suffer.

BDSM lingers in the background throughout, you're waiting for the film to get to a point where it can move on, yet this bloody contract keeps the entire film in stalemate. It gets to the final 5 minutes and some bloody drama happens and it ends.

It's ruddy Cock Tease: The Movie!

All that bloody sensationalist marketing spinning out of plastic covered seats, rowdy frisky middle aged and Phillip Scofield's nipple clamps amount to so e daft bint teasing a rich unstable geezer to get more things out of him. And you're in denial if you think she's in love with him, there's about as much chemistry in those Cilit Bang adverts with the two pence than there is between this guy and gal).

NO. I won't be seeing Fifty Shades 2: Shade Harder.