The Island of Dr. Moreau ★½

25/100

Total number of flying fucks given by Val Kilmer in this picture: 0.00000000000. It's actually painful to watch poor David Thewlis struggle to give a coherent performance amidst such random lunacy; no doubt he signed on to work with Brando, but instead he got "Brand-o," the bored old man whose commitment to flipping convention the bird had become its own perverse sort of brand. And while you'd think the one certain advantage this would have over Island of Lost Souls would be makeup and special effects, neither the mutants nor the Sex Kitten Formerly Known As Jungle Cat are remotely as unnerving here as they were in the '33 version, perhaps because they're competing for the grotesquerie crown with most of the human cast. (Admittedly the much-touted homunculus does not disappoint.) Undoubtedly has camp value for some, but it just made me sad.