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  • Tomorrow Never Dies

    Tomorrow Never Dies

    ★★½

    One of the middle of the road Bond films in the sense that it's almost painfully generic, and I include the theme song in this. The visuals are all washed-out and concrete-brown no matter what location is visited and more or less every scene goes on for way too long. Pryce is trying but the film needed to be zanier to match his performance. At least it gave us Brosnan in naval gear - I'm praying No Time to Die gives us that with Craig.

  • Tenet

    Tenet

    ★½

    If I could invert myself, I'd send a message to my past self, thanking him that I didn't go and see this in a cinema. Everything about this film was hard to understand; the editing that gave no idea of the geography of key locations, the script which was slowly filled with indecipherable metaphors and the concept of inversion itself, which I think I vaguely understand but not enough to be able to explain it. This all culminated in the…

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  • Cats

    Cats

    ½

    The film ended. The crowd applauded for reasons unknown, as the film was not good. But I think it was us collectively patting ourselves on the back, for we had made it through Cats. We did not understand what had happened, we did not understand why it had happened but it had happened nonetheless.

    I reflected on what I had seen. Jason Derulo dancing in a milk bar with cats drinking milk from bar taps. He was doing a cockney…

  • Artemis Fowl

    Artemis Fowl

    ½

    Nothing that happens in this film makes any sense at all; to use one example, at one point through a series of contrivances, magic is 'jammed' inside the house but Artemis's magic gun still works. I'd estimate that half of the dialogue is ADR, and the effects are near universally awful. Dench (who spends most of the movie sitting down) and Gad speak with the same awful gruff voice, Fowl himself is written as what everyone thought Young Sheldon would…