Halloween ★½

This Holiday, look forward to something really frightening; I’ve conjured up the most evil heinous crime of the season! I hate Halloween! Mwuahahahahahahahahaha! Seriously this movie sucks.

Yeah, I’m going to be that guy again. This is one I’ve been wanting to get off my chest since I first saw it years ago when I was still in school, and I guess Halloween seemed like the right time to get it out so I waited patiently. Patiently waited for my blood to boil, steaming while thinking of ways to roast this overrated dumpster fire! I’ve never liked this film, but what really baffles me is just how alone I am in this. It’s a corny Halloween horror flick, there’s got to be tons of people not into it, but not only does everyone like it, but this film is worshipped as a horror masterpiece! I find it unfathomable that I’ve found little to no one who hates this film as much as me. Because the more I think about it the more I hate it!

This whole movie makes no sense, has a paper thin plot anyway and no connection to the characters. My biggest complaint is Michael Myers himself, and all these random powers he gets. Does he have super strength? Does he know how to drive? Can he teleport? If not then how come he’s standing at one place and then quickly appears somewhere else after that? And how can he survive all these stabbings and shootings! Is he invincible now! Do they ever explain that!?!? And I don’t need a film to explain everything to me. In fact, since it’s a horror film, the less we know would’ve been scarier, but that’s my problem. The film acts like it’s explaining things but doesn’t actually go in depth enough. When the film tries to go in depth it just loses itself even more like the great ‘evil theme’ this film is noted for.

Fans praise this film for it’s depiction of evil and that it analyzes evil to a great extent. No it doesn’t! The film makes no attempt at all to explore the themes of evil, except for one very lazy scene. It’s the moment when the Psych doctor is talking about Myers and finally gives us a little clarification. Why is Myers so bad? One day the doctor looked into his eyes and all he saw was pure evil. Oh of course! After all evil people are just born bad. There’s no tragic upbringings, harsh choices, justifiable motivations, nothing to actually, you know, make the character more interesting. Instead he’s just born evil. Screw You! You know where you can find a better villain? One of my favorite characters, (scratch that, my favorite character of all time!) is Prince Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender. That’s right a kids show, with a superbly impressive cast of characters worthy of much more study and analysis than this masked cliché with a knife. Zuko starts out as the basic villain but then over time, we learn more about him. Who he is and why he became this way. Zuko grows over time, mending his bad side and having a truly engaging arc. And let’s not forget one of the most beloved villains of all time Roy Batty from Blade Runner. I’m not saying your villain has to secretly be good, and we don’t even need to sympathize with him, but they need a clear motivation. And everyone loves Michael Myers because he’s just pure evil? Let’s just forget the haunting philosophy of Anton Chigurh, or the persuasive, twisted thoughts of The Joker, Myers doesn’t even utter a word of his boring psyche. Michael Myers is not just an awful villain, he’s a terrible character at the same time.

When it really comes down to it, Michael Meyers is the biggest reason why this film fails to me. As iconic as that first scene is, why did Myers kill his sister that night? Halloween spirit I guess? See like I said, things that we don’t know can be scary, but with this film, we practically know everything. Here’s my suggestion: How much scarier would this movie be if all the scenes of the doctor searching and rambling were cut out? If we knew nothing of who Michael Myers was or where he came from. That would make the film so much more mysterious, and you’d be asking questions, but in a good way. You won’t be asking how Myers can teleport, because you don’t know who he is. He could be an alien for all we know, like in John Carpenters better movie “The Thing”. And then at the end have the doctor show up and shoot the killer. And then he can explain how he works for the worst asylum of all time considering they left the fucking doors open! Or you know something like that.

To me Halloween is no different than a Friday the 13th, or Nightmare on Elm Street. I would watch the Jason and Freddy movies and enjoyed them for what they were, but why did I like those? Here’s the difference: nobody’s going back and hailing Friday the 13th as a masterpiece. People know it’s dumb whether they enjoy it or not. Halloween may have started the genre, but is just as stupid, contrived and phony as any other slasher film from the 80’s, so what makes Halloween so special? I haven’t got a clue. And do I even need to mention the teens and their terrible acting? Come on you can’t deny that. Does anyone even remember their names? And don’t say Jamie Lee Curtis, that’s the actresses name, not the character’s you nitwits.

To be frankly honest I just don’t see it. How did this movie catch on to becoming a horror classic? It’s stupid, lacks any depth or creativity and is cliché. Yes I know it wasn’t really cliché at this time, but the tropes were always dumb, and in this decade, it just makes Halloween look even more overrated! There’s even some pretentiousness with the themes that the fans eat up for some reason. It’s a shallow romp through nonsense, with no scares, one dimensional villain, an even more one-dimensional plot and an absence of any substance whatsoever. Don’t care what anybody says, because on closer inspection, it’s a piece of garbage.

Well, now I have a 1 and a half star Halloween review on my profile. I better hurry up and make some more updates before I lose all my followers.


Edit: A couple rebuttals to some of the comments I got:
Perhaps I confused some of you on my whole stance of 'explaining Michael Myers'. Your criticisms are that Michael shouldn't be explained and that keeping him in the shadows is much scarier. I completely agree! Try replacing the word 'explain' with 'develop' My biggest issue is that Michael Myers isn't kept shrouded in mystery the whole time and we do learn some things about him. We see where he came from, we kind of know who he is (or we at least know that he's just a human being, which is why I don't understand how he survives all these attacks against him) What I'm saying is, the film should've went either one way or the other. If the movie wants us to know nothing and be on the edge of our seats fearing this ethereal embodiment of evil, then don't show anything of his past or his institutionalization. If you are going to show something about the character, then show more, develop this evil person and let's study him. I would've been fine with either one, but those who were saying Myers is scary because you don't know, I couldn't quite grasp that perspective because I did know or at least I felt like I knew enough. This film kind of goes in between those two choices and for me it didn't execute either one of those angles positively.

As for the slasher movie tropes, I'll admit maybe I should have gone more in to depth about my thoughts on slasher films. I've had my fun with them, but it's hard for me to take them seriously. They're so cheesy and have practically been made fun of to death so I mistakenly assumed the tropes weren't something I had to get into, my bad. But I'm talking about the dumb teens, the sex, the drugs, the stereotypes, The teens who decide to split up, or run into a closed corner, or the sole surviving girl who finishes off the supernatural killer. Cabin in the Woods mocks these tropes pretty well. To me even someone who had never seen a typical slasher film before knows these generic horror tropes as they've been made fun of to death. But I'll admit it was my fault for not saying what bothers me about these films most of all.

Kinotherapy liked this review