• The Grudge

    The Grudge

    ½

    Kayako, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that a ugly ass bitch like this would even try it.

  • House of 1000 Corpses

    House of 1000 Corpses

    ★½

    first of all there's like 150 corpses in this house, TOPS

  • Saw

    Saw

    ★★★★½

    my ultimate self-insert fantasy is that i am also in the nasty bathroom and i get these two morons out without anybody cutting their feet off. we take jigsaw to court. it's the trial of the century. adam and i hook up out of shared trauma but have a messy breakup before the end of the year.

  • Rabbit

    Rabbit

    this movie blows BUT the song they sing at the campground is a banger. one star for scary australian folk music. creepy twins: i am begging you for a single.

  • Thir13en Ghosts

    Thir13en Ghosts

    ★★★

    people have done better acting than Matthew Lillard in Thir13en Ghosts but I don't think anyone has ever done MORE acting than Matthew Lillard in Thir13en Ghosts.

  • Antebellum

    Antebellum

    ★★½

    Feels dated already — a factory-produced relic of 2020, full of buzzwords and provocative images (a Confederate statue, torch-bearing white people chanting "Blood and soil") with nothing in particular to say. Racism is still alive? Plenty of white people resent and seek to humble successful black people? White women, in particular, enjoy a unique position in white supremacist systems? No shit to all of it.

    There's meat here, I think, but the directors never sink their teeth in. Veronica, her…

  • Antebellum

    Antebellum

    ★★½

    Feels dated already — a factory-produced relic of 2020, full of buzzwords and provocative images (a Confederate statue, torch-bearing white people chanting "Blood and soil") with nothing in particular to say. Racism is still alive? Plenty of white people resent and seek to humble successful black people? White women, in particular, enjoy a unique position in white supremacist systems? No shit to all of it.

    There's meat here, I think, but the directors never sink their teeth in. Veronica, her…

  • Robots

    Robots

    ★★★

    I don't know why people shame me for crushing on Tom Hiddleston in 2012 when they could be shaming me for crushing on the villain of this movie in 2005.

    I am honestly afraid to rewatch it because what if I still think he's sexy oh god

  • Frankenstein

    Frankenstein

    ★★★★★

    OKAY BUT THIS ONE REALLY MADE ME CRY

  • Random Acts of Violence

    Random Acts of Violence

    ★½

    I'd like to use this review to announce the Jesse Williams Fire Your Agent Challenge.

  • The Invitation

    The Invitation

    ★½

    This is the dinner party episode of The Office as a horror movie.

  • The Lodge

    The Lodge

    ★★

    I'm going to kick the dad's ass. I'm going to climb into the TV and do it.