HorrorSage’s review published on Letterboxd:
Good evening and welcome fellow Children of Chaos from Earth 19771
I didn't like it. And for as much as I did like homecoming, this one. I'll get into it.
First let's talk good.
And while in the first movie and about half of this one MJ is the same insufferable "I'm too cool for this" character she was in Homecoming. But when the threat becomes real and the danger escalates she grows up and becomes likable.
I like the visuals of the elementals.
And of course, the best part of the movie. Jake Gyllenhaal (Yes I did look up the spelling) as Quienten Beck as Mysterio. He is amazing and plays his role perfectly. Also I have read a comic book ever and knew what the twist would be. However, I didn't care because he played the role perfectly. And it's nice to see a Spider-Man movie with one of the more interesting villains.
Did I mention how good Mysterio is? I should because it saves the movie from just sucking.
OK, Let's start this MCU bitchfest.
I hate this Spiderman. It has nothing to do with Tom Holland, he seems a likable enough kid, but this tiny little sad sack is boring. My favorite live action Spiderman is Andrew Garfield, and I will fucking die on this hill. Trying far to hard to be cool is what being a loser sounds like to me, Tobey Maguire's bug-eye acting always bugged me.
Tom Holland isn't Peter Parker, he's Tony Stark Jr and it pisses me off.
Peter: "I feel like I can't live up to Mr. Stark.
Me: Yea, you need to commit a lot more war crimes before that.
But no they so desperately want a new Iron-man they keep forgetting to give us a Peter Parker. Fuck Tony Stark.
And that brings me to point two. The reverence this movie has for the most destructive villain ever to live in the MCU. ANOTHER movie, ANOTHER pile of bodies that is the direct result of a fucking Stark.
You know if some rich Gobshite took my life's work, turned it into a novelty for him to work through the guilt of him being the world's shittiest human, and named it barf. Yea, I'd be pissed. Beck is right, his tech is a miracle and Stark can fuck right the fuck off.
HE ISN'T EVEN THAT FUNNY. Not one tear was shed when he died in Endgame. No fucking manipulation from a fucking kid effected me. I WUV OO FREE FOUSAND. Now that you are fucking dead Stark.
"Even in Death I'm The Hero." You were never the hero. You are a shit and I hate you, I FUCKING HATE YOU. You know, if you treated ANYONE with an ounce of respect. Staine would have been stopped before he started. Killian would not have been a villain. The event of Civil War could have been stopped. The events of Homecoming could have been stopped. But no, you can fucking die in a fire. Your death was too good. I'd see an MCU movie where Stark is in hell being tortured for 2 and a half hours. ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Speaking of atrocity. Tony Stark. speaking of evil where people are like "You know, he kind of has a point." I'm looking at you MatPat you dipshit. The Snap, or "The Blip" they call it. I mean the whole world is in ruins. Think about it. North Korea if Kim Jong Un get's dusted. A New despot takes over. he comes back. The nation is in a civil war. What about if half of ISIS and ISIL's leadership get's dusted. The regime changes and now they come back. What happens.
Fuck what about our democracy. Half of our leadership is dusted and comes back. Buisnesses. A CEO is gone, a new one is elected. Stock Market crashes. Wars start.
Nope, in MCU fashion it is just used as jokes. Tee hee some people have to go through midterms again. I, I cannot articulate how pissed off about this I am. I knew it would be like this. The MCU could care less about anything but reusing the same plots and jokes. But fuck, even the slightest bit of effort would be nice. "I put a lot of effort in shitty CGI."
Speaking of not giving a shit. Ned went from the guy in the chair. Peter's right hand man, to a fucking joke. Fuck off MCU. You keep sucking Tony Stark's Iron dick. Fuck off, I liked Ned. Ned would make a better Spider-man than this loser Tony Stark wanna be.
The first stinger is Amazing. Who else but JJJ would be willing to smear Peter's name with Quentin's footage. It was one of the best stingers in the MCU. Money says much like the Aunt May one in the last film it'll barley mean anything and we won't really follow up on it.
The second stinger is stupid and I basically saw it coming. Like really really stupid.
All in all a disappointment that does not care about anything but holding MCU's biggest mass murderer as the hero that none of us need but for some reason everyone wants.