The Northman

The Northman ★★★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

Good evening and welcome fellow Children of Chaos.

When picking a movie for our date night my wife, who's super into vikings, wanted to watch. She asked "who's in it?"

Me: I don't know, probably some beefy dude and some waifish chick.

Was I right? You decide.

This was almost a 5 star movie on Anya Taylor Joy's butt alone. I said it. Also we get to see Claes Bang's butt, so there is ass enough for everyone.

I loved this movies beautiful character arc of Omelet learning how to hold a god damned sword. Like in the big introduction to him as a "badass" he is dual wielding a hand axe and a short sword, but he is holding the sword sword in a reverse grip like a fucking ponce. Dude, you'd literally be better off with no weapon than holding it in a reverse grip like that. By the end of the movie he's like "Oh swords were literally made to be held blade out, maybe I should hold my sword like this and put one of our giant viking fuckoff shields in my other hand."

Ok so real talk, the last big fight never happened. As kickass as the naked volcano fight was, they would have both melted before their blades ever touched. So what happened was Uncle Evil Dude told Omelet to meet him there, where his incest mom was dead. Being that close to an active fucking volcano like that, he probably inhaled a shit ton of sulfur fumes and hallucinated the fight, and just lay there dying while Uncle Evil Dude rode off somewhere. You cannot prove my theory wrong, and it makes more sense than literally anything else in the movie.

I really could have done with a bit less magic, though it did give us a kickass fight where Omelet was beating dudes senseless with his blade's scabbard. Honestly there was just a bit much Deus Ex Machina and it drug a bit in the middle to keep me from truly loving a sword swinging revenge story I should have fallen for.

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