Halloween Kills

Halloween Kills ★★½

This morning, I experienced the ideal Halloween Kills experience, as advised by the film's star, Jamie Lee Curtis, in which you watch the movie while sipping down a cup of Activia.

If you're familiar with Activa, you'd probably guess that it went on to destroy my stomach in the same way that Michael wounded the abdomens of some of his victims, and you'd be right. In any case, since I didn't have much of a choice today other than to obey Jamie's orders, I went out and ate one of those things today. 

So, on behalf of the filmmakers of this film, I thank them for releasing this film on Peacock on the same day it was released in theaters, since who knows what would have happened if I had seen it in theaters today instead of on Peacock, where I could pause it at any moment to my stomach's own leisure.

Anyway, enough of my morning woes, and let's get down to business with my Halloween Kills review.

Halloween Kills is a follow-up that seems like a massive slap in the face to the preceding installment in the franchise that comes before it.

While David Gordon Green has created an adequate slasher picture here, it does not strike me as a good Halloween film. 

One of the key aspects of the 2018 film that made me enjoy it so much was how well they handled Laurie's emotional trauma caused by Michael and how well I felt they integrated that into the plot while maintaining everything we wanted to see from Michael, which was him simply massacring people.

So you can probably imagine how disappointed I was when Green, as speculated, opted to put Laurie's character on the back burner for most of the film to focus on the whole Haddonfield community hunting for Michael instead.

Which, in and of itself, I believe might have been effective had Green made the residents of this town more relatable. But, because all of the townfolks on-screen act like the most stereotypically dumb people you'd expect to see from any other horror film today, you honestly don't care if any of them survive or not at the end of the day when it all comes down to it.

But that's not to say Green doesn't make an effort here, since he goes on to devote a substantial amount of time and care to the part of Tommy Doyle, played here by Anthony Michael Hall. 

And, as they say, Anthony Michael Hall isn't even the best member of The Breakfast Club, because that would be Tony the Tiger, who would say, "They're great," yet Michael Hall isn't here.

Look, I knew his character in this movie was going to be quite wacky the moment I saw him give that drunken eulogy near the beginning in a reminiscence of the events that occurred in the original 1978 with actors on screen who come across as less believable than the ones Nathan Fielder hired for his "Smokers Allowed" art exhibit to get around the state of California's anti-smoking laws to allow bar patrons to smoke in that one bar he was hired to help business with.

Alright, I think that just about wraps it all up here.  Since I shit you not, it seems like the more I write about this movie, the more I detest it. 

On the other hand, it was great to watch good-old Michael Myers murdering people while listening to a fresh soundtrack composed by none other than John Carpenter himself and his son Cody.  

At this point, all I can say is that I hope Halloween Ends delivers a satisfactory conclusion to the saga as well as a fitting send-off for the character of Laurie.

Anyway, be careful and remember that not all Michaels in the world are murderers. Well, perhaps we are in some respects, but that is beside the point. 

Oh, and maybe don't watch Minnie and Moskowitz on your next Halloween night; you still have another 364 days you can watch that John Cassavetes film instead.

Seymour Cassel's thick caterpillar mustache can wait.

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