Midsommar ★★★★

this review discusses triggering topics

i used to watch mindless YouTube videos at 2 am in the morning, trying to feel anything at all.

this is perhaps the most personal i have ever gotten on the internet but i am going to come out and say it. there was a period in my junior year of college where i thought i would not make it to my senior year. the only way i can think to describe it is that the walls of my dorm started to feel like they were closing in. the frosty night outside is really all i can remember of that time, though i know there must have been daylight as well. there must have been laughter at some point. there must have been good times. i know there must have been others around, but all i can remember was sitting on my bed, rocking back and forth, alone.

i think when we are at our lowest points, we start turning towards anything we can. that year, i didn't have a support system so i starved myself and tried to pretend i could live in my screen just so that the ache in my stomach would disappear. i thought endlessly of how i could make the pain go away. dani didn't have a support system, so she was groomed by a white supremacist cult into being a murderer.

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to scream and cry and let it all out because what i was feeling was important. i wish i would have confided with someone, anyone. i wish i would have worked on healthy ways of dealing with my grief and that crushing darkness outside. i wish i could tell dani that healing from within takes time and while we heal, we are susceptible to bright and shiny things that tell us they can take the pain away.

as a side-note, it's funny that this movie reminds me of that time during junior year because all i remember was an inky night and this is so bright. it's endlessly illuminated by a Swedish summer and adorned with floral wreathes. there's no skulking shadows or spidery homes: it's all dragged into the open.

(somehow a darkness still manages to permeate each frame.)

for myself personally, i have chosen to let the sunlight in.

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