Alien: Covenant ★½

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

This will be fairly spoilery but i mean, really, theres fuck all to actually spoil.


While Prometheus' themes are muddled and wank (but my kind of wank) theres an opulence and a pontification to them that felt like it was a journey into the unknown. A weighty thrust into the void of consequence and creationism. Alien: Covenant has precisely nothing to say. Its so devoid of anything to speak of that it just falls into the most substandard "infection" and Alien franchise traps and tropes.

Not only that, the characters are irresponsible, stupid and react so fleetingly to events that would normally be traumatic/awe-inspiring to anyone else. Im not talking about how little they genuinely hold the lives of the other 2000 colonists as important, its bigger than that.

best example: they go on an UNCHARTED PLANET never touched by ANYONE, enter a GIANT SPACESHIP they FOUND, see the exoskeleton suits of the ENGINEERS, and without even a sense of wonderment, they basically go "wow, they were big eh? giant even."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what??????????????????????????????????

im also shooting this into the mix: Ridley Scott is obsessed with showing people getting burned to death, full-on in horrific ways. Hes just given up, man.

what also struck me (amongst meaning to try care about characters that die even though we have neveer met them before ever) is how horrifically the women die/are shown to have died. The guys get it gory, sure, but its quick and nasty. the women are more prolonged. Wether it be cut to ribbons lengthily in a medical room, burned alive horribly, have repeated shots of a womans deadhead floating in a wee pool, or to be shown and told a previous character was experimented on (which we dont see) and surgically splayed open (which we do see). I know sometimes its ~not that deep~ but if even i noticed it, surely it must be something underlying here?


i DID like the ancient oilblack necropolis, a pure black metal monolith of worship and death, and the orange-parchment zoology cave was pretty rad? but apart from that, Alien: Covenant is genuinely embarrassing and full of non-tense scenes. plus the Alien looks shite.

look, im sorry i hate ragging on movies and i want nothing more than amazing sci-fi horrors and to be wowed again inside the Alien universe because theres so many things you could pull into it. But this is just absolutely dreadful.

please, someone, take this franchise off Ridley Scott. the old man is dying. hes smoked too many cigars.

im more sad because the blomkamp pre-production instagram photos were more stimulating than this.